


Cheese & Chalk

by cheeserollcall



Category: Pinky and the Brain
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, CW swearing, Everyone is bi here even the author, F/F, Julia is traumatized and billie is patti lupone, M/M, Smoking, also this one is explicitly romantic so there's no ambiguity here, and they ruin everything making brain and julia fall in love, canon compliant until the second season drops, i promise billie is cool here im trying ook, mlm and wlw, one nsfw chapter, or some other problematic and hyper heterosexual shit, so until then canon and i are friends and then we break up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:40:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28745610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheeserollcall/pseuds/cheeserollcall
Summary: After a very perturbed Julia kidnaps Pinky, convincing herself she's actually rescuing him from his megalomaniacal cagemate, Billie and Brain team up begrudgingly to find the mouse they're both secretly in love with.
Relationships: Billie/Julia, Billie/Pinky (Pinky and the Brain), Brain/Pinky (Pinky and the Brain)
Comments: 80
Kudos: 187





	1. A Matter of Semantics

After all this time, someone finally used their doorbell!

Brain told him it was a really stupid idea, they had absolutely no need for a doorbell, anyone could see them inside the cage, knock on the cage’s bars to get their attention, and either way, they didn’t even get any visits, so what was the use, really?

But Pinky insisted on the doorbell, which to him was a step further into making their cage a home, and after much begging, Brain agreed, under the condition that it would be Pinky himself who would install it, without any help whatsoever. And when he was electrocuted and the lab had a blackout, Brain installed it.

And it was ringing today! Right when Pinky was taking a shower, how domestic! He narfed and giggled to himself, quickly patting himself dry while running to the door, and the doorbell kept ringing! 

…

Julia had felt very few emotions in her admittedly short life, the strongest one was hate.

Not for herself, mind you, she knew she was perfectly capable. Hatred for the place she was walking by right now, Acme Labs, with its dark green walls, yellowish dim lights, oppressive atmosphere and rows upon rows of scared mindless little rodents, like she had been once, before her life was ruined by her creator and… ex husband. She shuddered, the disgusting implications never escaping her. But oh, everything would end soon, she told herself, clutching the laser gun in her paws. She didn’t feel remorse, there was no need. Julia was a rodent with a mission.

Her mission? Destroy her ex-husband’s life. Take from him everything he ever cared about, like he did to her.

She was gonna murder Pinky.

And the unsuspecting mouse walked towards her, narfing and singing to himself, puffy like a cotton ball, which made her stifle a giggle. But no, she was on a mission. There was no time for mercy. It would be a quick death, hopefully painless, to send a message to the mouse who ruined her life. A mere gunshot, and she’d be out of here. Just--

“Oh Julia! Is that really you?! You’re back!” Pinky squealed, and before she had time to load her gun, he lifted her and twirled, his arms around her waist. For a moment, she got carried away, she hadn’t received any affection since forever (and coincidentally, the last time she had, it had been from the same mouse), but then remembered her mission, noticing she had _ thrown away  _ the laser gun to hug Pinky back, letting her head rest over his shoulder. 

Ok, maybe she was  _ craving  _ the affection. It wasn't her fault, a few months ago she was cuddling with her fellow mice inside a tiny cage. She was a social rodent by nature, and she had been oh so alone. 

“I can’t believe you came back! Brain told me you were probably dead!” Pinky wept, holding her hands “He said… Wait! You must be looking for him! Narf! He just left!”

Of course Brain was not around, she baited him to go look for a non-existant chemical inside a radioactive lab; she knew he’d never take Pinky to such a dangerous place, leaving her free to… murder him.

Oh, yeah. The... plan.

The white, innocent mouse led her inside his cage, still holding her hand, inviting her to sit at the spool table, even pulling the chair for her, all sweet and gentleman-y and soon-to-be-dead...

Julia gulped, not used to that feeling of guilt.

“I’m not looking for Brain” she admitted, squirming in her seat, and glancing at the laser gun, so far from her. Her hand was still held by Pinky, she reasoned, it wasn’t polite to let go off his hand, go fetch her gun, and...

“Oh? But you’re here! And he’ll be back! And you’ll have that moment like in  _ Cheese Trap  _ where Lindsay Lohan’s parents reunite and they have the same photo but ripped in half, and they fall in love again, and I can wear a purple kimono at your second wedding! Zort!” 

“Pinky, that’s  _ The Parent _ \-- Wait, you think I wanna go back to him? To that asshole? After all he did to me?!” Julia’s voice raised, and she felt the familiar, painful electric shock that temporarily made her see red and hate, hate, hate with all her might. 

“I know! I can’t believe he did that!” Pinky huffed with mild irritation, at best, which did not help her anger one bit.

“You didn’t do anything to stop him!” She shrieked. “You enabler, you coward, you spineless little--”

“Really, the ring he got you? Sheesh, it was so tacky!” Pinky said with a little hand flip, turning her anger into confusion in a blink.

“What”

“If I had known he was planning on buying that, _ believe me _ , I would have done something! Zort! Girl, you deserved a Tiffany’s,  _ at least _ .” 

“What are you talking about?” Julia asked, dumbfounded.

“That wedding ring! I can’t believe he dared to buy that thing. Oh, but thank god you’re not wearing it anymore” He held her hand delicately, and it was Julia’s time to huff. 

Tacky or not, selling that ring gave her enough money to build her own secret lab. But something caught her attention. She tried to remember the events that conspired to her current situation (not a hard task, those events plagued her mind, making her curse her eidetic memory), and realized something she had overlooked.

Pinky was never around when the bad stuff happened. He wasn’t there when Brain messed with her mind. He wasn’t around when her head caught on fire. 

He didn’t  _ know _ . 

Ok, Plan B. Not a murder, but a kidnapping.

“Can I bring you something, my dear? Tea? Coffee? Biscuits? Oh, zort, I mean cookies. Food pellets with food pellets?” Baby blue eyes stared at her brown eyes and whatever resentment she still held against the mouse she once considered a brother, melted away. 

“Tea is fine, Pinky, thank you” Julia smiled at him, resenting the fact that her smile was genuine.

While the other mouse was away, she examined her surroundings. There were no cameras around them, no security systems, the lock didn’t even have a security pin.  _ Oh Brain, you’re getting cocky, _ she muttered to herself. _ You really think no one is above you, right? But wait and see. Wait and see. _

“What was that, Julie?” Pinky called her from the kitchen and her breath hitched. She had completely forgotten that he had given her a pet name. And she had also forgotten people tend to listen when you talk. She spent all of her time alone, muttering to herself; social cues escaped her. She was oh so far from that decisive presidential candidate she once was… 

But let’s not dwell on that at the moment. 

Pinky sat next to her, handing her a thimble with chamomile tea. He blew softly over her thimble, reminding her to be careful, it was hot (narf), and what kind of villain is concerned about you burning your tongue? What kind of villain worries about everyone so much? This mouse wasn’t born for evil, like Brain and herself. What was he doing here? 

“Pinky… Why are you still here?” She asked despite herself, sipping the gloriously sweet and warm beverage. 

“Well, I haven’t died! Zort! And you?”

“I mean… With Brain. I know he hurts you, and calls you names. Do you like that? You could leave him, you know?” She insisted, placing her hand over his, and his blue eyes narrowed in thought, for once.

“I… I just remembered, there’s some cheesecake on the fridge! Would you like a slice? Future Brain loved it when he came here! Oh, I hope he’s alright, wherever he is. He was so good looking and nice! I mean, he only tried to kill me  _ once _ !” Pinky giggled awkwardly, cleared his throat and skipped away, a little bit too eager for her taste, too... avoidant. 

Julia made the mental note to find out more, not even sure if it served her revenge, or simply for Pinky’s sake.

But first, the plan.

While Pinky went to get the cheesecake, she took a giant pill (for their size) out of her purse, bit off one side and crushed it into fine dust, mixing it quickly with Pinky’s tea. All the while, she agreed halfheartedly to Pinky’s ramblings from the kitchen. 

She was putting the pill back in her purse when Pinky returned with two slices of pie.

“So, where were we?” He asked cheerfully, sitting beside her.

“You were about to tell me how you can stand that fuc-- Brain” She said, feeling a twang of guilt when the other mouse chugged his laced tea.

“Well, if I didn’t, he’d be all alone!” Pinky reasoned awkwardly. 

“ _ I am  _ all alone, Pinky. Thanks to him” Julia retorted grimly, and he cupped her hands.

“Brain is not as bad as you think. And I’m with you now, Julie! You don’t have to be alone--” He was about to say something else (a Zort? Or a Narf? Perhaps a Poit), when his eyes went blank and he fainted, throwing the pie, two thimbles and the table itself to the ground. 

_ So dramatic _ , Julia thought, leaning over to listen to Pinky’s snores and narfs, which meant the dosage hadn’t been lethal. To think this was originally a murder, she pondered, petting the fur on top of his head, with that bittersweet feeling of guilt and tenderness. He had been so kind to her, he never knew what Brain did to her… and how was she repaying him? Kidnapping him? She didn’t even eat the pie he baked! Was she even better than Brain?

No, no, no. She  _ was  _ better than Brain, she told herself, dipping her finger in one of the pie slices on the floor and tasting it. It was a matter of semantics. Not a kidnap, but a rescue. Yes. She was rescuing Pinky from that asshole’s undeserving paws! She was still better than Brain! 

(Fuck, that pie was delicious)

She shot Pinky with an anti-gravity gun, glancing around to make sure no one saw her take him away, holding his tail like he was a balloon. 

She thought the path was clear, but she was mistaken. For, on a shelf closer to the ceiling, another white, lanky mouse stared at them; her curiosity was such, she even stopped filing her nails.

“Ohhh Eggy’s got himself more enemies… Figures.” She muttered, staring at the brown mouse taking Pinky away.


	2. Lima Syndrome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Churb and Plutonis for beta reading this chapter and the last one, respectively. They're both amazing writers and amazing people that I love dearly.

If there was something Billie knew, after all these genetically enhanced years, was to stay away from the Brain family.

It was a lesson learned the hard way. Up until recently, she had been unwillingly tangled to that dysfunctional family. First Brain tried to propose to her _twice_ (like, get the hint!), then _she_ tried to get it on with Pinky, and failed miserably. It took nearly two years for her to give up on him and become friends; and _then_ she was about to marry their son Romy in Las Vegas, before he confessed he only wanted to piss off his dad. They had a fun weekend and when she returned to the lab, she made her purpose to stay away from them and mind her own business. 

Like all of his other failures, Brain pretended she didn’t exist, and Pinky visited her cage often. She learned with time that while Pinky was sweet with everyone, he had eyes and heart for one mouse, and one mouse only; and it simply wasn’t her. Too bad, she would have treated him better (anyone would, really). 

She was almost glad Pinky was kidnapped. Anything could be better than what he had. And maybe now Brain would appreciate what _he_ had.

…

Something was wrong, and he immediately noticed.

First off, no one rushed to his side to greet him with unnecessary displays of affection. Which wasn’t that bad, he could carefully discard his radioactive suit without contaminating Pinky. And of course he didn't enjoy said unnecessary displays of affection anyway. Definitely not.

However, as he walked inside the lab, he noticed everything was silent and dark. Not a whirling wheel, nor the blue light of the TV screen, nor the laughter or verbal tics of a certain mouse. And before his mind even processed it, his mouth was first whispering, then shouting for his cagemate, rushing to their cage, his heart stuck in his throat.

When he arrived at their cage, and found the door open, and no signs of Pinky, he couldn’t stop shaking.

The shaking was joined by groans when he saw their kitchen table upside down, Pinky’s cheese cake smeared on the floor next to a thimble, its contents spilling on the floor.

The groans were joined by whining when he dipped his fingers in the liquid, sniffing it before licking his fingers, noticing the bitter and metallic taste of sleeping pills that lingered in his mouth.

By the time he was on a full blown panic attack, turning his whole cage upside down, and the only words leaving his mouth were "Pinky" "Please" and "No", on loop, his neighbor decided that enough was enough, finally opening her cage with her nail file and scurrying down towards him.

She also noticed the doorbell,which she politely rang.

“Oooh, are you redecorating, Eggy?” She asked nonchalantly.

“Go away!” Brain shouted, wiping his face hastily. “Can’t you see I’m busy?!” 

His state was so deplorable, she almost wanted to hug him. Almost.

“Need a hand?” She asked, feigning indifference.

“Of course I don’t! Everything’s in order.” Brain lied, his hands shaky and eyes rimmed red. “Pinky just… that idiot is always messing with our stuff! When I see him, I’ll…”

“You won’t.” Billie said nonchalantly, sitting on the chair that was uptight, and resumed filing her nails. Brain crumbled at her feet, trying and failing to keep his voice from breaking.

“Wha--what do you mean? Did you see him? Did he talk to you? Did they take him away?” Brain asked, clutching to her legs in despair. 

“Awww, do you miss your boyfriend?” Billie taunted. With a flustered “Hmph!” he released her and flopped on the floor crossing his arms. 

“Of course I don’t! And he’s no such thing. I just… feel a little peckish and… Pinky said he was making cheesecake this evening.” He lied, and Billie rolled her eyes, but decided to play along, standing up and walking towards the door, swaying her hips as much as possible.

“You might as well look for the recipe online, _buh-ddy,_ ‘cause he ain’t coming home for dinner. Buh-bye Eggy!” 

“ _Please_ , as if I needed assistance from a senile rodent with grandiose delusions of beauty” Brain retorted and she stopped dead on her tracks. 

Turning slowly towards him, the most dangerous glare on her eyes, she spoke with a low hiss, her voice with that _femme fatale_ accent she used to intimidate males:

“I’m smarter than you give me credit for, Egg-face, and I was willing to help, but if you’re gonna be like that… Good luck finding your… cheesecake recipe without any clues. Buh-bye, Eggy!" 

And with an annoyed huff, she left.

…

Julia, who had fallen asleep over her keyboard like always, woke up with the smell of something burning.

Her lab! Oh no, her precious lab! Of course, she leaves that stupid rodent unattended and he burns everything, _he’s with Brain, Julia, he’s your enemy, not your friend!_ And now the lab was on fire! She wiped some drool off her face, and followed the smell of burning, taking an extinguisher on the way. 

“Fire!” She shouted, aiming the extinguisher to…

Pinky, wearing a green frilly apron, singing to himself and… cooking?

(Where did he get those pots and pans from?)

“Oh, goody, you’re up! I’m making french toast!” Pinky singsonged to the bemused mouse pointing at him with a homemade extinguisher. 

“You’re not setting my lab on fire?” 

“Fire? Oh no! Admittedly, this one got a little burnt, but I can eat it, if you wanna. Zort!” Pinky laughed, placing a burnt toast over a cork plate. Julia looked around.

What used to be a rather sad little stove, one thimble, a spool as chair, and one dish inside a dark, uninteresting room with grey walls, had somehow become the most cottagecore kitchen ever, seemingly out of a fairy tale. Tiny lights covered everything, the walls were coral colored, with tiny apple decals, wooden cupboards and a lime green fridge, and her window had green curtains with floral patterns, matching Pinky’s frilly apron. The morning sun shone over everything with its golden light, rendering everything with a warm and cozy glow.

Julia, dumbstruck, approached a small spool with a cushioned seat, brushing a doily away before sitting down and taking one cautious bite of a french toast. 

“What did you do to my kitchen?” She asked, bemused, and Pinky stopped singing.

“Oh! Do you like it? Brain never let me redecorate our cage, and since I saw your house was a little sad, I decided to stay up all night to give it a smile! Narf! Do you like it? It’s a dream house! _With a shelf full of knick knacks fit for a little mouse--_ ” he sang.

“Don’t sing, please.” Julia sighed, taking just another bite of the french toast “Pinky you were supposed to stay in the other room, tied to that chair!” She complained in between shoving those caramelized pieces of bread to her mouth. 

“Oh, yes! That was fun-fun silly willy! But that game got boring after a while”

“That’s the point! This is not a game, I’m kidnapping you! You should be scared, and feel hopeless, like a normal kidnapped victim, instead of turning my place into a Beatrix Potter illustration!” Julia exclaimed, and stopped to lick the plate. “Oh god, this is so good.” 

“Oh. Poit. Sorry Julie, I just wanted to make your house feel more like a home” Pinky mumbled, wrangling his tail between his paws, crestfallen.

“This is not supposed to be a home! It's A lair! Built with the utmost technology available, the strongest security systems and weapons, with the sole purpose of being a space where I can rest, spy on my enemies, and ploy to destroy them!” She twitched.

“So… a home. Narf!” Pinky chuckled “You’re so weird, Julie! Oh boy, you won’t like what I did to your bedroom, then”

“Pinky I don’t have a bedroom. I don’t have time to sleep, I have plans to complete, vendettas to push; people to punish! I cannot be swayed by your weird cottage fantasy” Julia muttered, but followed the other mouse down the hallway, now painted a warm shade of beige with cheese decals. 

“You sound just like Brain! No wonder why you guys were the perfect--” Before he could even finish, Julia clutched his neck, slamming him against a door, a jack-knife pointing to his throat.

“Don’t you EVER compare me to that monster again, understood?” Julia growled through clenched teeth. Pinky just giggled. “He’s evil and I’m… well I’m…” She hesitated, loosening her grasp.

“You strangle like him too!” And his hand blindly grabbed the doorknob, opening it and sliding away from Julia’s grasp with one swift move. “Ta-daa! Zort!” He pointed towards the room, ecstatic. 

What was originally an empty room where she kept miscellaneous tools, was now a lovely bedroom with periwinkle walls, a sponge bed, flowy purple curtains, a white wooden bedstead with painted flowers and a “Barbie” stamp, an empty matchbox as nightstand, and tiny fresh flowers in a vase that was once a bottle of pills.

“Do you like it?” Pinky asked, balancing on his toes, his hands behind his back.

“Pinky, I… you…” She was speechless “You’re... the worst kidnappee ever” She sighed.

“Does that mean you like it? Can I keep redecorating? Narf!”

That didn’t make it a kidnap, did it? There were no morally reprehensible actions on her part if she just let the mouse she kid-- kept locked against his will do whatever he pleased. 

“Only after you have your breakfast.” Julia agreed, and Pinky grabbed her hand and danced with her, back to the kitchen, resuming his dream house song.

Well, if he wasn’t gonna act like a frightened kidnapped victim, then it definitely wasn't a kidnap, Julia reasoned; she wasn't a morally reprehensible monster, and everything was alright for now.

And to the kitchen they waltzed. 

**...**

Perhaps she had been naive, there _was_ no escape from the Brain family.

Billie watched the news, about their new president and her strategy of throwing blue caps at the UN mandataries to make them agree with her. It was Thursday, 5 pm. The past few days had been unusually quiet, and she had to admit that the silence was unnerving.

The scientists had left a few minutes ago, and, if that were a normal Thursday, Pinky would drop by to play Go Fish with her. This day, unfortunately, their fish costumes (Pinky was under the impression that it was part of the rules of the game to wear fish costumes) were at the bottom of her closet, as far from her sight as possible. 

She knew Pinky was gone, so there would be no Go Fish tonight. Even though she was worried sick, she’d keep her promise, and stay away from those businesses. Still, her heart flipped when someone knocked on her door, as if a part of her kept waiting, hopelessly.

It wasn’t Pinky who knocked on her door, it was Brain. A disheveled Brain, with his fur all clamped and messy.

“You… don’t have a doorbell” Was all he could say after a while. Billie snorted.

“And you’re gonna install one for me?”

“Billie, Pinky’s been missing for three days” Brain explained, not daring to look up. “The security camera files are corrupted, and there were no DNA samples and… I shouldn’t have rejected your help.”

“And…?”

“And called you senile.” Brain muttered, averting his gaze.

"I didn't take offense to that remark" 

"Really? You'd rather be called senile than ugly? But you're--" he started, and her deadly glare shut him up.

"If you say ugly or old I'll cut you with this nail file" she hissed.

Alright, on second thought, she didn't look _that_ old, Brain decided. Her fur, like his, had become a little yellowish, and her bangs, now wavy and covering one eye, were just a little grayer than before. In general, she was still pretty, in that old, decadent Hollywood starlet style; if anything a little tacky for his taste (Too much makeup). 

"The exact term I used was _delusional about your beauty._ But I was mistaken," he backpedalled. "Can I come in?"

Billie sighed and opened her door; and before he could enter, she stepped forward, making the smaller mouse jump back.

“Let’s get something clear, alright Eggy?” She hissed, poking his chest with her nail file and stepping forward “Look around. Look around and tell me where the genetically enhanced animals are. Where’s Snowball, Brain? Where’s Larry, Where are the rats from the neighboring ward, hell, where’s Egwind?! They’re all gone, some didn’t even last a day. And you know why? Because they were all stupid, arrogant, prideful males, and that was their downfall! Everyone’s gone but us three. And while you two survived thanks to each other, _I_ was on my own. So don’t you dare think I’m dumber than you! I’m not a female Pinky, I’m my own rodent! I’m Billie, and you better respect me for that! Understood?!” Brain was on the edge of the shelf, and before he fell, she grabbed his shoulders and pulled him to safer ground.

To her surprise, Brain broke down

“What am I gonna do, Billie? What if he's lost? Or worse, what if he fell off a cliff? Are there any cliffs in Burbank? What if he found the only cliff in Burbank and--” 

“Brain! Get a hold of yourself!” Billie grabbed his shoulders and rattled him with violence. 

“You’re right. In moments like this, it’s best to revert to logic. Now, logically, where can we find a cliff?”

“Pinky didn’t fall off a cliff! I may have a clue.” She said, begrudgingly “I vowed to stay away from your family as much as possible: every single one of you means nothing but trouble.” She sighed. “Follow me” 

She would rather play Go Fish, with that ridiculous fish costume, than having her past suitor sit on her bubble wrap couch, blowing his nose and covering her rug with dirty tissues. But oh, well, it would have to be a different Thursday.

“So” she began, pointing her nail file towards the distraught mouse and his trail of tissues “I’m assuming _all of this_ means you are ready to admit that you _have feelings_ about Pinky.”

Brain choked on saliva, and stared at her with an indignant pout. 

“Excuse me? First of all… _little girl_ , my personal affairs are none of your business. But if you must ask, Pinky does not stir any feelings within me, apart from annoyance.” He assured, before blowing his nose and throwing yet another tissue to the floor. Billie wrinkled her nose, displeased. “I just want… his pie. Yes. His cheesecake. It’s the cheesecake that I miss.”

“So, instead of looking for a recipe online, we’re on a rescue mission. Because that’s what one does.” Billie replied, her voice deep, heavy with sarcasm. 

Brain’s eyes opened wide.

“Are you… helping me? Why?”

Billie sat beside him, exhaling deeply.

“I’m not helping you, but I like Pinky, and I also wanna make sure he’s alright. I saw someone take him away, and until we find him, let’s try to get along, shall we?” Brain nodded, a tissue wrung between his paws. He was such a mess, Billie thought.

So, we know someone took him away, but who? And with what purpose?” She hummed. “Now, I’m gonna ask you something, but I know everyone and their mommas already know the answer:” Pink eyes meet blue, but it was the wrong shade of blue, and that was… appalling.

“Brain: Do you have any enemies?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm legally and morally obligated to include at least a passing mention of Snowball, otherwise I'll die.
> 
> I'm also taking in consideration the comics as canon, because Billie appeared more there, her personality was a little (and I do mean "little") more defined there: she was a femme fatale; I just made her an old, jaded femme fatale. In the comics she marries Romy? I guess? It's ambiguous. 
> 
> I also included Pinky's song from the PEatB series, that no one likes but the song is adorable (basically his version of somewhere That's Green) and he's wearing a green apron there and has strong dreams of domestic bliss, which is basically his whole arc in this story. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. A Coveted Cheesecake Recipe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mitchekie is now on Ao3!!! So now you can go read the works of the person who reads this first and says "shuun you're not making sense"
> 
> Also friendly reminder that Pinky is a masochist and this is an M fic (but we're still sfw. If you're reading this at work, good for you! Stick it to the man)

Julia’s lab, hidden inside a hollow tree in the mountains of a natural reservation in California, was a sophisticated gem, a lesson in MacGivering, design and architecture, a dark, menacing and technologically advanced place beyond anyone’s dreams.

It was also currently covered in doilies.

“Where are you, macrocephalic rodent?” she muttered to herself, brushing a doily off the top of her screen. She had been checking on her spy cameras for… how long? Five hours? And Brain was nowhere to be seen. Ugh! She should have installed cameras across the entire lab, not just his cage. And now, she wasn’t even sure if there was anyone around, in case she wanted to install them right now. 

She heard a crash, a “Poit!”, a chuckle; and she exhaled.

“Pinky!"

"Oh Poit!" and louder "Sorry, I'm just dusting over here! La la la!"

"MY WEAPONS DON'T NEED DUSTING!" she yelled, and the crash noises stopped. Since everything was silent for a moment, never a good sign, she stood up reluctantly, and exited the computer room. 

On the hallway, now covered with framed pictures of puppies, Pinky greeted her, holding a “Welcome home” mat

“Can you open your smart door?” Pinky asked “It’s asking me too many questions and now it’s locked for seven hours. I think it’s smarter than me!”

Julia groaned. 

"Pinky, if I open the door for you, you'd escape"

“Actually, I wanted to put this mat outside our door! Look, it says Welcome Home! Because you’re welcoming everyone to your home!”

Julia pinched the bridge of her nose.  _ Patience, patience _ , a voice that sounded like her own, but better, told her. 

“Pinky do you know what a secret entrance is?” she asked wearily.

“An…. entrance that is secret?”

“Correct! And what would happen if we put a mat right in front of our secret entrance, for everyone to see?” she marked every word, as if she was talking to a child. 

“It…” she could practically hear his engines rolling “Wouldn’t be a secret anymore?” 

“Bingo!” Julia clapped.

“Oh! Are we playing bingo? I love bingo! Oh no, wait! Can we play that game where you tie me to a chair again?”

“Pinky, that was not--” she stopped and shook her head “We’re never playing that game again. You enjoy it too much.”

“Because it’s fun fun silly willy! Troz!” Pinky skipped, singing, and Julia glanced towards her computer room, longing for the darkness, the silence, and her obsession with watching her ex husband suffer and fail.

“We’re playing a new game, Pinky. It’s called locking you inside the bathroom with a rag covering your mouth.” She decided.

“Hurray!” Pinky skipped towards the bathroom. “That sounds better than bingo!”

“But the moment you moan is game over!” Julia yelled at him, grabbing a kitchen rag on her way to the bathroom. 

She thought, with a weary sigh, that this had to be the worst kidnap ever.

A few minutes later, inside the only bathroom in the house that hadn’t been Pinky-fied (that is, it was still dark, dirty and scary as per her request), Julia took special care in securing the ropes over Pinky's wrist and the rusty, creaking tubes of a moldy porcelain sink. 

“There. Tight, as you requested” Julia said, wondering if she really should be enabling the weird wishes of her kidnaped friend (ehm, victim). Pinky chortled, shaking his wrist to make sure it was perfectly and securely tied against the tubing of the sink. 

“Don’t you think it’s fun-fun silly willy?” Pinky asked with huge naive eyes and their matching wide smile.

“It’s… something, that’s for sure” Julia muttered awkwardly.

“Now you gotta bonk me in the head and call me stupid and it will almost be like Brain was here!” Pinky sighed with sudden nostalgia “Oh, I miss him so much.”

The mere mention of the name made her fur bristle, but she pushed the feeling down, kneeling in front of Pinky to be at his eye level. 

“Pinky, why are you still devoted to him?” she asked and Pinky’s smile widened, his cheeks reddening under the fur.

“Why not? He’s my bestest friend! He’s smart, honest and hardworking, and only wants what’s best for the world, and--”

Pinky gushed about Brain, without realizing Julia was starting to twitch painfully, growing twice her size. Her claws got sharper, her hair bristled, and everything inside her was hate, hate, hate.

“HE’S A MONSTER!” she growled with a feral voice unlike anything she’d sounded before.

“You just don’t know him the way I do!” Pinky replied, unfazed “No one does! Yes, he can be grumpy sometimes, but he’s sweet, and never gives up, and--” Julia grabbed his shoulders with her huge claws and lifted him to her eye level, breaking the ropes securing him to the sink. It didn’t hurt, but it was, admittedly, a little scary.

“Look at this! HE did this! i’m a monster because of him” she really needed to stop now, because she could feel her brain heating up, and if she got any more irate, it would combust in a painful, horrifying mess… but her anger bubbled out of control, the water was boiling, the fire within her was taking control.

“I don’t think you’re a monster!” Pinky offered lamely.

“I am, and he did this! He tried to control my mind and installed this rotten--  _ agh _ !” she twitched “Chip inside my head! And it hurts!”

“Brain wouldn’t do that!” Pinky pleaded "He would never hurt anyone!"

“Open your eyes, you imbecile,  _ he’s  _ the bad guy! He will stop at nothing to take over the world! He’d kill you for his own gain!”

“He wouldn’t!” Pinky cried. The words were hurtful, yes, but she didn’t mean it, right? She was just angry! Poit! She needed a time out and she’d stop saying those awful lies! Because they had to be lies, right? Brain would never hurt anyone on purpose! 

Right?

“I don’t know what he did to you,” he continued, swallowing hard, “but I’m sure he didn’t mean it! Whatever he did, I’m sure he’ll fix it if you ask nicely! Brain can fix anything!” Pinky assured her vehemently, wiggling a little to let his arms free. 

Once he managed this, he patted her snout. His hands, in contrast to her heated head, were ice cold, and refreshed Julia enough to clear up her mind. Pinky continued patting her snout until she was back to her normal size, and Julia, feeling self conscious, recoiled from his touch.

“See? No monster, narf, just you!” he took her hand “Please, Julia, let me out! I’ll find him! I’m sure he’ll help us if we ask! Why, his head is so big and chubby because it’s filled with ideas!”

Julia janked her hand from his, fluffing her hair in an attempt to compose herself.

“Pinky I’m never letting you out! You’re kidnapped for heaven's sake!”

“And kidnapped people can’t get out?” Pinky asked.

“Yes, exactly!” she grabbed her head, more pain incoming. She needed to be alone, far from that mouse and far from any mention of that cursed name--

“Oh! So can I go out or not? You're so confused sometimes, Julie! Zort! Well, at least let me call him on the phone!” Pinky insisted with urgency.

“You’re not calling Brain”

“But he can fix you!”

“I said--'' she began through gritted teeth "we're not calling Brain.” she continued with pretense calm, her hands pressing her temples. The other mouse stood silent, only a silent poit escaping his lips. “And you won’t go out to find him. Lemme make it clear for you, Pinky: You're never getting out of here, and you’ll  _ never  _ see him again!” Her voice raised, from a whisper to a shout. 

“But I love him!” Pinky shouted back, rushing to the door, but Julia was quicker, slamming the door behind her. 

Pinky stood in the darkness for a while, blinking furiously to prevent the tears from falling. Oh, she had been so unusually mean! Julia wasn’t supposed to be such a meanie! Nor a liar, calling Brain all those things! She had to be wrong! Troz! Brain would never hurt anyone! And the realization slowly crept in, so cold, he had to embrace himself. Oh, what if she meant it? 

For the first time since his arrival, he actually felt trapped.

But no, no. Crying won't help. What would, though? Oh, if only Brain was there! Not only would it be less scary and cold, he’d know what to say, what to do…

Wait a minute, that’s it! He’d call Brain himself! And Brain would apologize to Julia, help her, and then they would all be friends again like the brussel sprouts and the forest sprites and the mice and the horses…

Julia, very nicely, had forgotten to lock the door, so he slipped out. He could hear soft snores from her new bedroom, which probably meant she didn’t hate it that much, yay!, And quiet as a mouse (Why do they even say that? He was a very loud mouse. He liked to sing and jump and say narf, poit, zort… Oh wait, he was supposed to be quiet now. Shh!), He entered her forbidden computer room. He wasn’t supposed to, but Brain always talked about the greater good, and to him, this was one of those cases. 

Once he dodged the supreme security of her computer (he logged in as “Guest”), he hastily wrote Brain’s number, crossed his fingers, and poited quietly.

This had to work.

…

A pair of brown eyes, long eyelashes, fluffy brown hair and smart smile meant nothing for Brain, but Billie whistled slowly at the image on his screen. 

"Wow, that was your wife?! But she's gorgeous! Are you telling me you and her..."

"No, we never really consummated it." Brain admitted awkwardly "I agree she's not bad looking but she's not my type. This was an arranged marriage, with the sole purpose of making me president of the United States, and later, the world!" 

Billie scoffed. 

"Do you  _ even _ have a type, Egg-head?”

“Ah… of course I do!” Brain stuttered, the tips of his ears turning red “Uhm, I like tall rodents? With light colored eyes…”

“And white fur? Like me?” she batted her eyelashes “Or like… Pinky?” The mere mention of the name made Brain blush even harder, and Billie let out a mocking little laugh. “So what happened?”

“Oh. Well, the microchip I installed inside her brain failed.” he browsed on his computer, lost in thought, speaking more to himself than to the mouse standing next to him. “And it should have had the same effects as a lobotomy, what could possibly--? Ouch!” He rubbed his head, Billie’s palm still in the air, ready to slap him again.

“You put a mind control chip inside your wife?!” Billie shrieked, appalled “That is so unethical!”

“When the world is mine, I’ll apologize or something” Brain dismissed her with a hand wave.

“Oh, so never?” she retorted, and he inhaled, deeply offended “No wonder why she took your boyfriend!” 

“Pinky’s not my--”

“So, if the chip is yours, can’t you track it down?” 

Brain gasped

“Wait, that’s it! Billie, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

“That I hope she took everything in the divorce?”

“She didn’t, but no. We can track her down and find Pinky!” 

Billie sat next to him, watching him type complex commands that, while she could logically follow, she wasn’t sure she could replicate, and for the first time, Billie considered the possibility that she took her amazing intellect and did… nothing with it. She just built some furniture for her cage, convinced many different guys to buy her stuff, and watched TV. Comparing herself to Brain and his beautiful ex wife, her life seemed unremarkable. Even Pinky, by association, had done more than she had. She was no longer young, folks didn't buy stuff for her anymore, and when she died, no one would even remember her… 

A negative buzz took her out of her somber ponderings, the mouse beside her let his head fall to the keyboard.

“Her location is encrypted, I can’t find her. Wherever she is, it can’t be traced.” Brain’s voice was muffled, his face against the keys.

“So we’re back to square one?” 

“We never really moved past square one.” he admitted, falling back to his chair, his hands over his face. Billie could have swore she heard him sob, but didn’t dare to ask. This time, however, she placed her hand over his shoulder.

“Brain?”

“What if I… lost him for good? What then?” he asked through his hands, his voice merely a whisper. Billie bit her lip, even she was getting emotional. 

“Maybe we can find a better recipe for the cheesecake?” she offered; the worst moment ever for a joke, but what was left to say? Pinky was lost, and his cagemate was so distraught, he hadn’t even mentioned his world domination plans once. It was as if there was one thing, and one thing only, that deserved Brain’s undivided attention, even more so than the world.

And that thing was a mouse.

Brain exhaled shakily and wiped his face, the fur over his cheeks damp and clumped together.

“Yes. Of course, the cheesecake. That’s what really matters here.” he muttered, with a thousand-mile-stare on his pink eyes. He blinked hard, shaking his head “Yeah, I’ll… do that. I appreciate your assistance, Billie, but it's no longer required. I’ll search for a recipe online. Julia probably... “ he didn’t want to say this. By Tesla, he never wanted to say that. “He’s probably… gone for--forever” he forced himself to spit it out, and it felt like his heart was thrown away with the words spoken. 

Billie gasped, covering her mouth.

“Don’t you dare--” she began. 

“What? Let’s be logical here.” he muttered, his broken voice anything but logical “We’re just mice Billie: replaceable, easily disposable. Pinky...” he exhaled “He’s just a dumb mouse I’m attached to by mere happenstance, just a roomate…” 

Brain stood up, his back against the computer. His movements, despite the resolution of his speech, were doubtful and slow, as if he really didn’t want to leave.

And then, the screen glowed in green.

“Uhm… Brain?” Billie said, glancing at the screen.

“Don’t try to lure me with sentimentalities, Billie. I don’t  _ need _ him. Yes! He  _ was  _ merely a distraction in my path. So what if Julia took him? Pinky--”

“Pinky’s calling you” Billie pointed at the screen. In a blink, Brain was all over the computer, clicking maniacally over the “answer” button.

The green screen then changed into the most gorgeous shade of blue any of them had ever seen. The blue became an eye, and as the mouse backed down, there he was: white-ish fur, red nose, buck teeth, pale blue eyes and a green apron, dirty and wrinkled. All fluffy, safe, and, thank goodness, alive. 

“Pinky!” Brain begged, his hands all over the screen. Logically, he couldn’t touch the fur from the other side, but logic was the last thing in his mind right now. Pinky apparently was on the same page, and their hands met through the screen. Its warmth, although welcomed, was nothing like the real deal, and Brain wished to go back in time and punch himself for ever rejecting the touch of that other mouse.

“Pinky talk to me! Are you okay? Did she hurt you?” 

“Hi, Brain.” Pinky whispered, glancing over his shoulder “I missed you so much! Narf!” 

Billie backed away, deciding to give them some privacy. It surprised her to see the roles reversed; she had expected Pinky to be the blubbering mess, but he stood there, with a quiet dignified smile on his face, as if he was waiting for Brain to finish his tearful ramblings:

“You’re alive! You haven’t answered my questions! Answer to me, Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you! Did she hurt you? Has she tortured you? Talk to me!” Brain pleaded. He was trying so hard to repress his sobs, he was actually hiccupping.

Astounding. 

“Poit! I'm alright Brain! Look, I even sewn my own apron--" he trailed off and bent a little bit, as if he could put his head through the screen and see inside the other room "Oh, Billie, is that you? Hi! Sorry for missing our Go Fish Thursday, I didn’t mean to be kidnapped.” He said apologetically, and Billie got a little bit startled, not expecting to be part of the conversation. She approached, smiling at his ever present sweetness. 

“I know you didn’t.” Billie said sincerely “How’s Julia? Is she nice?” Pinky’s eyes lit up.

“She’s incredibly sweet, narf! When she’s not angry. Oh, I wish you were here! We could play Go Fish! The only games she seems to know is tying me up and locking me inside the bathroom. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it, but I do like some variety… Narf'' he sighed wearily “You gotta understand her, she’s a lot like me! But instead of saying Troz! Or Poit! Or Egad!” he twitched to demonstrate, “She just growls and grows, like the Hyde monster! And no amount of  _ sorry’s  _ bring her back!” he lowered his voice “I think she’s in pain.” 

“Sounds painful.” Billie agreed. By her side, Brain was slowly regaining control of himself.

“Julia is not important. Are  _ you _ in pain?” Brain finally managed to ask him. Pinky smiled at him, the kind of smile that feels like a summer’s day. The rodents on the other side sighed dreamily at the same time, glanced at each other in confusion, then stared back at the screen

“I’m fine, Brain. It’s Julia who needs help.”

“Help?! After what she did, she deserves nothing but hindrance! When I'm through with her--” Brain exclaimed. 

“Brain, but you already hurt her, didn't you? Was that on purpose?” Pinky blurted out, rendering the other mouse speechless.

“I-- What?”

“You heard me. Did you hurt her on purpose? Did you know it would hurt, whatever you did to her?” his voice, despite not losing its warmth, sent shivers down Brain’s spine.

“Pinky, you know the ends justify the means, I’ve told you before! The plan, always the--”

“Because if you did, you gotta take that back, you know? It’s not nice of you. You have to help her and apologize.” Pinky said, and something in his voice admitted no rebuttals. Brain stuttered

“Uh… Pinky, forget Julia! You--”

“Do you promise, Brain? To come and help her?” Pinky insisted urgently “You gotta be fast, before she wakes up! Promise me you'll help her!"

“Pinky--” blue eyes narrowed, exasperated. Oh Newton, he was terrible trying to look menacing. He merely managed to make himself even more adorable. Ehm...harmless. “I promise” Brain sighed, defeated.

On the other side, before he could even celebrate, Pinky’s ears twitched and he turned towards something off-screen. He narfed in panic. 

“I gotta go! Remember Brain, you promised! And a promise is a promise is a--” the call was cut off. 

Billie turned to see Brain, who in turn stood up and paced around, his back against her. 

“See? He 's alright. I told you not to get overly emotional about this.” Brain said, with fake nonchalance. 

Billie rolled her eyes, huffing.

“So, I guess we’re tracking the call, right? Can you do that,  _ Eggy _ ? Or is it as hard as taking over the world?” she snarked back. 

“ _ We?”  _ Brain retorted “What do you mean by  _ we _ ? And also, what was all that talk about Go Fish? Didn’t you  _ vow to stay away from the Brain family as much as possible? _ Weren’t those your precise words, Billie?” he arched an eyebrow, and it was her time to blush.

“Weeell…” she trailed off “You forgot to ask him for the cheesecake recipe, and you’ve been talking so much about it I have to try it too!” she offered, shrugging lamely. Brain snorted not believing a single word, and glanced at the screen, now displaying a map

“Well, I guess we gotta go find Pinky, get his cheesecake recipe, and return to the lab in time for me to take over the world!”

“This is just for his cheesecake recipe” Billie lied, extending her hand towards him.

“Absolutely. That's all I care about.” Brain lied, taking her hand and shaking it. 

With that, the cheesecake (not Pinky) rescue mission began. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Pinky goes full Rapunzel here)  
> MacGivering refers to MacGiver, a TV show I've never watched, but apparently the guy could build a nuclear ractor with a piece of gum, a string and a clip. Sorta like what Brain does, but if I compare Julia to Brain she'll come to my room at night and murder me /j


	4. Is it a video?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter almost made me cry, not only because I had to rewrite it three times to make it perfect, but also because it's really angsty. Just so you know.  
> The title for today's chapter is brought to you by Sufjan Stevens, patron saint of homoerotic angst.  
> Please go and tell my beta reader @Mitchekie to rest a little. She deserves it.

Pinky’s hand was still touching the screen, helplessly wishing there was no glass between them, when the call cut off, the screen going black.

“Goodbye, Brain.” he whispered, though it was too late anyways, “I love you.”

“You’re wasting your time.” a voice came behind him and he turned to see Julia, holding the power cable on her paws “That thing’s incapable of love.”

Before Pinky could apologize, she stormed towards him, grabbing his shoulders and rattling him.

“What have you done?! You just compromised our position! Do you realize--” Pinky covered her mouth.

“Wait! Before you say anything else, let me tell you something about Brain, ok?”

She wanted to say no, she really did. But his hands, still holding her snout were so warm; they reminded her of her siblings cuddling inside a cage, of kissing babies, shaking hands with happy civilians, and the political promise of progress she failed to deliver… It reminded her of  _ Senator _ Julia, and how far away she was from that illusion. But maybe if she tried to be courteous, just one time...

So she let herself be guided to the kitchen, accepted the teacup, and heard, with astounded ears, the tale of a mouse who gave up the world time and time again, on Christmas, on Halloween, all in exchange for the wellbeing of another mouse. Pinky spoke about Brain with such devotion and affection, that it was difficult to believe the same mouse ruined her life. It was hard to reconcile the mouse who cuddled with Pinky watching Harry Potter, drying Pinky's tears when Dumbledore died, with the mouse who planned to use her to force children to build bombs, and almost lobotomized her with a faulty circuitry. It simply couldn't be the same mouse.

“And then--” Pinky continued telling the tale of his very best friend “He told me he’d choose my devotion over anything else! I also told him I’d never question his vote either. We don’t really discuss politics. Troz.”

“Pinky, that’s not what--” Julia started, but he squished her cheeks, effectively silencing her. 

“I don’t know what he did to you, but he already promised me he’ll help you” Pinky continued “Brain may be mean and rude sometimes, but he never breaks a promise! And he really, really wants to save the world. And you’re part of the world! Zort! So, will you let him help you?”

Naïve blue eyes stared intensely at suspicious brown eyes, and Julia averted her gaze, staring at the cuckoo clock (how did that get here) on the wall. 

“Look at the time! It’s past midnight! You must be exhausted. Do you wanna take the bed tonight? I was planning on staying up and working” she told him. Pinky raised his eyebrows, and she feared he would suspect...

“Alrighty!” he grabbed her hands, swaying them “Thank you very much for understanding how important and sweet and kind Brain really is.” and let go “Nighty night! Narf!”

“Of course!” Julia said, smiling back. Once the mouse was gone, her smile turned into a devious grin. 

One of them was lying, and Pinky definitely wasn't. Which only meant one thing: Brain probably didn't love him as much as Pinky believed. It was impossible, he was a monster. Monsters don’t feel. Poor Pinky, fooled by love! But she was the good guy here. She'd save him. 

“Computer!” she called out loud “Identify the face of the mouse with the chubby head of the last video call.” 

“Face identified.” a synthetic voice answered her. Julia nodded once. 

“If that mouse approaches this lair, activate all non-lethal weapons.”

“Non lethal weapons activated.” the computer answered back

“It is of utmost importance that you do not kill him... That's my job.” 

…

A lighter, food, a water filter, a GPS and a jackknife. 

Brain had already survived the jungle once, and he expected the Angeles National Forest (where they tracked the video call) to be quite similar. This time, however, he had to be even better prepared than the last. There was no Pinky around to save him. And his ally this time was…

Not ideal.

"Billie,  _ what _ are you wearing?" 

His companion, wearing a purple fur coat, designer sunglasses, a veiled hat and a huge matchbox suitcase, seemed better prepared for a weekend at the Hamptons than a tortuous and dangerous road trip.

"Oh, this old thing? A coat!  _ Dior for Barbie. _ "

"Billie, are you aware that we're going on a rescue mission through a national park? With dirt, mud and predators?"

"Yeah and you said we had to be prepared for any weather! So, coat, hat, sunglasses!" she twirled, her heels making a clicking noise. 

"You're wearing high heeled boots." 

"Ankle boots. Are you gonna keep questioning my fashion choices or can we go save your boyfriend?" 

"Alright, Norma Desmond, and how exactly are you planning to carry that suitcase for miles with heels?"

"Oh I thought you'd never ask! Such a gentleman!" she said, letting her suitcase fall over Brain with a relieved sigh, squashing the poor mouse. The suitcase was even bigger than he was. 

By the time Brain managed to push it away, Billie was already waiting for him by the door of Acme Labs.

"Hurry up, Egghead!"

"You know, I'm starting to think I dodged a bullet with you" Brain panted, pulling the suitcase with all the might of his stubby legs. 

"Oh Eggy, as if you could afford me." Billie scoffed, leaving the lab behind and taking a deep breath of the polluted Californian air. “Where to now,  _ genius _ ?”

“While I recognize that remark as sarcasm, I also acknowledge its veracity, so thank you, Billie.” he replied smugly “Now, we gotta get to Los Angeles National Forest, which is approximately three hours from here by human foot. Humans, who are around 3000 times our size, walk by a distance of 2.5 feet by step. We, in contrast, walk by a distance of-- Billie?”

The small mouse looked around, panic building in. The last time Pinky had left on his own, people stepped over him, calling him vermin. Who knows the horrors Billie would face? And what the hell was she doing, talking to the driver of a pest control van on the other side of the street?!

“Billie! There you are! What are you--”

“Oh, there  _ you _ are!” Billie said nonchalantly and turned to the driver, who listened to her, enraptured. “This is my butler, Brain. As I was saying, I’m respected actress Meryl Streep, and my butler and I need to get to Los Angeles forest as soon as possible. Think you could give us a ride,  _ stud?”  _ she purred the last word, and the driver gulped loudly, blushing.

“Uhm… _Mrs. Streep_ , can I talk to you for a moment?” Brain asked, pulling her aside “What. Are. You. Doing?!” he hissed.

“I’m getting us a ride! Walking will take forever, Brain.”

“You’re hitching a ride with a pest control van? Are you insane? This is walking to the lion’s den!” Brain protested, pointing at the van with a rather gruesome image of a dead white mouse on a trap. Billie rolled her eyes. 

“Oh, Brain, we’re not vermin! We are the respected actress Meryl Streep and her butler.”

“How do you explain the height difference? I’m sure Mrs. Streep is not two inches tall!” Brain insisted.

“So what, the camera adds a few inches.” he pulled her arm and she ignored him, too busy retouching her lipstick.

“Billie you can’t possibly believe humans are that stupid.” 

“Mrs. Streep, if I take you to the forest, will you sign my  _ Mamma Mia _ CD? I take it everywhere I go.” the poor, idiotic, star struck driver said, shyly approaching them.

“Well, color me surprised.” Brain quipped quietly. Billie winked at him, hopping on the hand the man offered to carry them to the van.

The three hour walk actually took one, but Brain wasn’t happy with the results. Not even when he sang  _ Dancing Queen _ inaudibly, while Billie and the driver belted out the entire Mamma Mia soundtrack, again and again, the whole trip. 

And he was definitely furious when Billie didn’t help him get off the truck like Pinky always did, face planting on the dirt while she landed gracefully on her heels. Billie’s suitcase falling on top of his head didn’t help either. 

“See? We still have some hours of sunlight!” Billie cheered, walking over him. She deigned to look back for a moment, as Brain finally managed to peel his face off the ground “You’re welcome.” 

“I didn’t say thank you!” Brain yelled, but Billie was already some feet away from him.

The view was breathtaking! So many trees, Billie had never seen so many trees before! She twirled, taking in the fresh pine scent in the air, pure and clear, better than any air freshener! And the sky was so impossibly blue! As if she could reach out and touch it! It was the same shade as…

She stopped twirling, feeling an unpleasant mix of worry and jealousy. The sky was out of reach. And so was Pinky. The guy Pinky belonged to was way behind her, ordering her to stay on the trail. (nag, nag, nag, did he do anything other than nag? Really, Pinky? Is this who you want?)

Well, nevermind. She shook her head, deciding to make the best of this. Oh, she hadn’t left her cage in so long! And when she did, it was for quick flings that always left her unsatisfied and sad. But now, an enthusiasm she hadn’t felt since she was young and stupid overcame her.

She ran under the trees, inside hollow tree trunks, chasing roly polies, crossing muddy ponds by skipping over stones, still singing Mamma Mia’s  _ I Have a Dream. _

And Brain tried to follow her, getting hit by the branches she pushed out of her way, covered by the worms she carelessly threw from her path, stumbling over the roly polies curling on the ground, falling on the mud after she pushed the skipping stones out of reach. 

“Billie!” he finally caught up with her “Billie, can you slow down-- a little?” he panted, cursing all of the times Pinky invited him to exercise and he decided the world was more important. 

Billie stared at him pensively. He looked utterly miserable, covered in mud and branches, breathless, there was a worm on top of his giant head...

“Oh, Eggy, you look dreadful! I know!” she took a hat from her suitcase, brushed the worm away and put the hat on his head. The finishing touch was some smeared sunscreen on his nose “There. So much better! Natch!” 

“ENOUGH! It's time we’re losing, Billie! Can you stop being so annoying and focus on our mission?!”

“I will, when you stop being so slow!” she replied

“It’s almost as if you’re doing all of this on purpose!” 

“I’m not! I hadn’t left my cage in years! Can’t you loosen up a little?”

“Not while Pinky is endangered! I know this is all fun and games for you, but not to me! Don't you see he could be dead?!” Brain yelled, immediately looking away with embarrasement, and that felt like a slap on her face.

“He’s not dead, Brain. Have a little faith!” she spoke softly, trying to cup his face to make him look at her, but he resisted. She sighed, defeated “Okay, you’re right, I got carried away, I’m sorry! Do you want a piggyback ride?” Billie offered. “It will get us there faster.” 

“Over my dead body.” Brain grumbled. 

The rest of the day they walked in absolute silence, the Mamma mia songs remained inside her brain and stood there. 

They slept under the stars, and when Billie tried to make it amusing, have a slumber party and tell Brain all the dirty little secrets Snowball told her while they were dating, Brain merely curled up into a ball, his back turned against her, and asked her to be quiet and let him sleep.

Maybe the next day Brain would warm up to her. Maybe when they found Pinky, he’d be less grumpy.  _ If _ Pinky was still alive, she mused somberly. And she drank from a flask she took of her coat, hoping the alcohol would help her push that sinking feeling down. 

The next morning, they awoke wet, cold, and confused, and while they shivered, not daring or wanting to get closer for warmth, they looked around. The fresh snow covering the forest looked gorgeous, and the view was breathtaking, yes.

But the snow would delay them even further.

“I’m sure the snow will be gone by tomorrow! You know how Californian weather is!” Billie assured him, trying to remain optimistic.

The first day, he admitted it was a nice change of scenery.

The second day he’d never admit that the little snowball fight he unwillingly got into with Billie was actually fun. It was merely a way for him to unleash his frustrations on the other mouse. 

By the third day, however, he was tired of walking, tired of the snow, tired of the trail mix they’d been eating nonstop, and especially,  _ especially  _ tired of Billie and her newfound enthusiasm. 

“Oh Eggy, look! The third day of snow and everything is still so beautiful! Don't you wanna skate and build snowmice and--” Brain grabbed the fur trimmings of her coat, pulling her down to his level.

“No! There will be no twirly princessy stuff today! You’ll be an obedient mouse and follow the path, without hesitation, distraction or amusement. Understood? The sooner we find Pinky, the sooner we’ll get out of here. And take off that coat. Our fur evolved to protect us from predators in this type of weather and your purple tacky outfit will make us easier to spot.”

“This is the worst way any guy has ever asked me to take my clothes off” Billie jested “And believe me, I’ve heard it all.”

“I am deadly serious, Billie. You might as well be holding a neon sign that says  _ fresh prey, ready to eat! _ ” 

“Brain, no one's gonna eat us! We’re not just mice, we’re smart mice! And no predator--”

That’s when an owl, as white as them, flew too close, grabbing Billie mid-sentence. 

“Billie!” Brain yelled, trying to hold her back, but keeping only one of her ankle boots. 

“Brain!” Billie yelled, as the owl took her high, so high, the sky was an endless canvas. She looked up, recalling all the times she’d stare at Pinky’s eyes and how much she wanted to die inside that endless blue. And well, if Pinky was already dead, both wishes would soon be granted. Such a pyrrhic victory.

But she was with Brain now, and victory, even a pyrrhic one, was not an option. 

She slid out of her coat, falling straight on top of Brain, who had been following them from the ground.

“This is the weirdest way I've sat in any guys--” Brain pushed her away, covering her mouth. 

“Please. Shut up sometimes. I beg of you.”

“See? The coat saved me! I told you--” she began, staring at the sky. The owl, realizing it wasn’t holding a mouse no more, threw the coat away and plummeted towards them. 

Brain pushed Billie out of the way, and the owl took him instead. Swiftly, Billie took a mirror from her pocket, running behind them. She blinded the owl by reflecting the sun, and when it was distracted, she threw her other shoe, hitting the owl’s talons and making it lose its grip on the chubby mouse.

While Brain fell for what he thought were hours, Billie made a quick estimation of where he’d land, and opened her suitcase on the spot, the absurd amount of clothes breaking his fall. 

It took a while for Billie to rescue her coat, mourn her lost shoes, and go check on Brain, fainted on top of her Hermes scarves. 

Brain opened his eyes slowly, and when he did, everything was blurry and the right shade of blue. So it must have been heaven. Then, a white mouse with blue eyes appeared on his frame of view, and oh crap, it  _ had _ to be heaven. While he let Billie be optimistic, he wasn’t, and deep inside he had the hunch that he wasn’t exactly looking for Pinky, but for his body. 

And now, after sustaining an injury, his last memory concerning a predator taking him away, he assumed this was it. He cupped the other mouse’s cheek, still blurry, and whispered lovingly:

“Pinky? Is that you?” the other mouse held his hand… and brushed it away.

“You wish, Eggy.” a female snarky voice answered, making him recoil from her grasp.

“Billie!” he stood up, looking around. He was alive! Alive! And mortified, over his affectionate gesture. “I--I thought you were--”

“I noticed, by your kissy face.” she mocked said kissy face “You owe me a pair of shoes, loverboy.” she lowered her voice, glancing away “And I-- I owe you my life. Thank you for… pushing me out of the way.”

“Yes, yes, save that mellow for someone who cares.” Brain grumbled, and his voice softened as well “You saved me as well, so.... you owe me nothing.”

Both mice, not used to talk openly about their feelings, cleared their throats and glanced away awkwardly, one of them longing for the darkness of his lab, and the other longing for a long sip of whiskey.

“The snow is growing taller each day. Do you want to--?” she stopped, but Brain, grumbling all the way, climbed over her back, sitting on her shoulders.

“I’m only doing this for Pinky’s sake. We’ll move faster this way” Brain said.

“You mean his cheesecake recipe,” Billie reminded him.

“Yeah, the cheesecake…” 

...

He found the box accidentally. He was actually looking for the Christmas ornaments. Given his usually skewed perception of time, and the fact that he barely got to see even a glimpse of the sky, Pinky was sure he had been there for at least a year. He was wrong, of course, it had been two weeks, tops, but Julia had been too lost lately, spending all of her time muttering to herself, twitching and barely playing with him anymore. 

Pinky hoped the Christmas spirit would bring her back.

But there were no Christmas ornaments inside the box, just tons of DVDs. Whoever still used DVDs right now was beyond Pinky, but he decided to check them out anyway. Maybe  _ The Parent Trap  _ was there, somewhere! And, to keep things interesting, he sang eeny meeny miny moe and took one randomly. It had a lot of numbers written with a permanent marker, but nothing else, so he decided to check out this new movie, called “12-01-20// 22--00hrs” He had no idea what it was about but it sounded romantic, narf. 

The TV screen did that thing where the black dots are in war with the white ones (will they ever know peace?!), and the image changed; the mouse on screen was--

Himself! And Brain! Narf! He didn’t know he had a TV show! He was famous? Didn’t famous people get free cheese? Maybe that’s why the scientists gave him cheese now and then! He’d have to send an autograph! And egad, Brain looked so chubby and oh so handsome on camera! Pinky felt water on his hands and glanced up (a leak?) only to discover he was crying. He didn’t know if those were happy or sad tears, and when he tasted them, they were salty, not bittersweet.

“Brain!” he yelled, and remembered to keep it down for Julia and her violent reaction to that name “Brain, can you hear me?”

Of course he couldn’t, but Pinky wished he could put his hand through the TV screen and take Brain out, a tiny Brain, gesturing to a tiny Pinky inside the cage. He knew they weren’t tiny, the camera was just above them, and he tried to listen but there was no sound, just the same numbers on one corner of the screen.

After watching for a while, he began to laugh in the middle of his tears, he remembered that! That was the time Brain tried to crowdfund a garlic peeler, in order to make enough money for a scheme of giving hypnotic headsets to gamer influencers, so they’d talk good about him and convince their followers to surrender the world to him. The scheme failed fairly quickly, but Pinky made pesto for dinner! And he even took out the fine china, the one with the Barbie logo plastered on top. 

They managed to find some wine in the fridge and had a candlelit evening (the plan’s failure involved a blackout that left them wifi-less for a week). He still remembered the astounding way Brain’s lovely pink eyes reflected the candles surrounding them. And maybe it was the dinner or the wine, but Brain was smiling a lot, even chuckling sometimes, holding Pinky’s hand over the table for three seconds longer than usual. 

He saw himself on the screen, blowing the candles, and remembered the wish he made back then (he didn’t wake up in a cheese bed, but there’s nothing wrong with dreaming big, narf). The Pinky on the screen led a tipsy Brain to their sponge bed, with flirty giggles (from Pinky) and playful bops on the head (from Brain), and saw them sleeping peacefully.

In their slumber they would reach out for each other; tails intertwining, hand in hand, Brain drooling all over his chest. Pinky, the real one, chuckled in the middle of his tears; now he understood why his fur was damp and stiff every morning. 

On the tapes, Brain would wake up a few minutes before him, stare at him bewildered and drowsy, and quickly untangle himself from the other mouse, to save face. But Pinky knew now, and he wept so much, a puddle was growing under him. 

He watched a few more tapes, fast forwarding to them sleeping, just to see Brain huddling next to him, restless until his head was over Pinky’s chest, his arm around Pinky’s waist, only to wake up and move to his side of the bed before dawn. Pinky closed his eyes, wishing he could feel the weight on top of his chest, the tiny hands grasping his fur… but he was asleep then, so he had no memory of it, only his imagination. And the tears were still salty, of course, but they felt oh so bitter now.

“Pinky? Are you crying?” Julia called from behind, and he turned the TV off as fast as he could, turning to face her. She looked… not good. Her fur was unkempt, her hair a tangled mess, and her eyes were sunken. She still tried to remain calm. “Oh. How did you find the surveillance tapes?”

“Is that what they are? I thought this was a TV show, narf” Pinky answered, and it was impossible to tell if he was being sincere or not.

“I don’t trust the cloud, so all my video archives are inside that box you’re holding” Julia sat by his side “Are you sure you’re okay? What were you watching?”

“I don’t trust clouds either, they’re too shapeshifting! Are you a lion or Florida? Make your choice, narf!” Pinky huffed drying his face with his apron, and Julia chuckled lightly, which was good, it meant she was in one of her good moods. “Oh, but if the clouds were playing a song, I’d play along! Wouldn’t you too?” 

Julia shook her head, amused.

“Say, I think  _ The Parent Trap _ is somewhere in this box, what if we watch it? Would that make you feel better?” she asked softly, rubbing his back to comfort him.

Honestly, getting out of here and looking for Brain would make him feel better, but he wanted to be polite. And Julia had been a little bit explosive lately, anything made her burst, so it was like walking on Legos. 

(Legos would also make him feel better. Narf)

“Sure! Let me just find--” he said, reaching inside the box and taking out a DVD “This one says  _ Senator _ ! Is it like Citizen Kane? Or House of Cards? Can we check it out? Please, please, please?”

Julia sighed, knowing by now that it wasn’t a good idea to just ignore him.

The tape was a recollection of Julia’s electoral campaign, videotaped by Pinky himself. They could hear his commentary, and Brain chastising him for recording the clouds and the bees instead of recording Julia doing electoral stuff like smiling at citizens and kissing babies. 

Julia, on the screen, wore that emerald suit, and her smile was huge, sincere and hopeful. She was oh so perfect. In the shadows, Brain loomed, his face expressionless and cold. And also, Pinky’s shadow was sometimes visible, at sundown (narf!).

Senator Julia was all smiles, making passionate speeches and staring at her husband for approval, but he’d only give her a distant glance, devoting his time and attention to Pinky, even if it was just to insult and berate him.

The video showed them on their tour bus, Julia competing with Pinky to see who could make the tallest Cheese Wiz tower, Brain reading in the background. They would laugh, and sing, and only shut up when Brain yelled at them.

Then, it changed to someone recording over a tv screen, and it was Julia in her monstrous self, howling at the audience, her head on fire, her husband still looming in the shadows.

This time he was smiling. 

And the camera cut right before she threw the stand towards the wall, breaking it and escaping.

Both mice stared at the blank screen for a moment, before Julia managed to speak:

"Well, now you know what your  _ beloved _ Brain did to me." her voice startled Pinky, who felt his stomach falling to his feet. "Are you still in love with that monster?”

_ Yes… always. Poit _ , he thought somberly, but instead, he said:

“ _ Please,  _ don't lock me in the bathroom tonight! Can I stay with you? Poit! Please?” 

That night, neither one really slept. Pinky stared at the roof the whole night, wringing his tail between his hands, longing for Brain's weight over his chest and his light snores, and feeling guilty for longing for him; trying to reconcile the mouse who tortured his friend with the mouse he was in love with.

And Julia, who didn’t sleep either, stared at the crescent moon through the window, convinced that, like the Cheshire cat, it was actually the  _ Senator's  _ bright, perfect, omnipresent smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Norma Desmond, how Brain calls Billie, is the main villain of Sunset Boulevard and indeed, I based Billie's old, decadent Hollywood starlet vibes on her. Also it's easier for everyone if you read her voice like she talks in the Brain Noir episode, or as if Dot tried to imitate Slappy's old woman's voice. 
> 
> Pinky speaks through song lyrics at some point, the song is "Do You Know What I'm Seeing?" by Patd, because if I'm gonna be cringe, I'll be cringe TO THE MAX.  
> Thanks for reading.


	5. Billie, you're a fine girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for alcohol  
> As always thanks to everyone who reads this, and thanks to Mitchekie for being a good editor and a great friend.

He’d never admit it, but with Billie carrying him, they shortened their time considerably. She was faster than he was, on account of her long legs, and he kept her focused, tugging her ears when she got distracted. According to his GPS, they were two days away from their destination.

“We’re getting closer, two days tops” Brain said, “And it’s getting darker, so we should probably look for a cave.” 

“Oh, two days! I can’t wait! Just two days and I’ll see Pinky again! And we’ll have tea, play Go Fish… He’ll love the stories we have to tell, I bet he’ll laugh so much! Oh, I miss his warm hugs the most!” she twirled, “But soon he’ll wrap me inside his arms and--” Billie stopped, blushing and cleared her throat, going back to her serene, lower voice. “He’ll give me the cheesecake recipe. I might even ask him for assistance the first time I prepare it, just in case. That’s all that really matters.”

“Uh-huh...” Brain said, not believing her for a second.

“What about you, Eggy? What will you do once Pinky’s back with you?”

“Me? Well, what we always do! Try to take over the world!” Brain chuckled awkwardly.

“And that’s it? Nothing changes?”

“Why would anything change? Our routine is engaging enough, I don’t see the need to modify it--”

“After all, don’t you feel… lucky to have him? Wouldn’t you want him to feel wanted, so that he’ll never leave again?” Billie insisted, “Brain, don’t you _need_ Pinky?”

“I--uhm… Look, a cave! Let’s stay there for tonight. I’ll make a bonfire.”

“But Brain--”

“Silence! This is what you wanted.” he hopped off her shoulders, grabbed her coat and pulled her to his eye level. “Now, be a good girl and… don’t bother me with nonsensical questions.” 

The tiny mouse, thighs deep into the snow, did his best to collect sticks. By the time he was done, the only visible part of him were the sticks held up high. With this, he ran to the cave, where his companion had been sitting on a log filing her nails with boredom. 

“Brain, if you have feelings for Pinky you can just say it, y’know?” she greeted him.

“Billie, can we _please_ focus on the bonfire? It is the perfect example of physics, combustion, and manliness! YES!” he puffed his chest. 

She yawned and resumed filing her nails. By the time she was done with her left hand, Brain hummed softly, trying to ignite the thing unsuccessfully.

Billie rolled her eyes, lit up a cigarette and sat on the floor beside him.

“So, how’s the bonfire going, manly man?” she asked in a mocking tone.

“Oh, it’s going great! Yes! I just need to-- light it up” he rubbed two sticks together.

“Do you... need any help?” Billie asked, blowing some smoke to his face.

“No, _I_ am a genius. _You_ are a genetically altered mouse. We’re not the same.”

“The pinnacle of chivalry. I should have taken you all those years ago.” she retorted.

“Indeed, you missed out. Now go somewhere else and stop blowing smoke at my face, I quit smoking many years--” he stopped, then stared wide eyed at the other mouse . 

Billie winked at him and blew more smoke to his face. 

“Billie. Why didn’t you tell me you had a lighter all this time?” he hissed.

“Well, Eggy, you didn’t ask!” she pouted, making her voice shrill and whiny, like when she was younger, “I thought you were trying to be an alpha male….”

“Forget about that! Gimme the lighter!” Brain yelled, and Billie took the lighter out of her pocket dangling it above them, laughing at Brain trying to reach it with little silly hops. 

Not long after that, they sat at the fire that Billie ignited, without saying a word. There seemed to be a silent truce, or at least the fire was hypnotizing enough to keep both enthralled and quiet, for a change. Then, Billie took out another cigarette.

“Stop that! Don't you know you're exposing yourself to chronic bronchitis?" Brain chastised her, slapping her hand, “Besides, your smoke is disgusting, and it repels me.” 

“That’s the point.” she joked, “Remember experiment #3-39? When they tried to make mice addicted to cigarettes? Well, it worked for this mouse.” she pointed at herself.

“I remember that! They too tried to make me addicted to nicotine. But Pinky helped me quit.”

“Well, not everyone has a Pinky in their lives.” She retorted, searching inside her coat and taking out a flask, chugging from it. “Some of us aren’t that lucky. Whiskey?” She offered him the flask and he waved it off.

“Billie! How many other ways do you have to defile yourself?” he reprimanded her.

“My nails are filed, thanks.” she joked, but he didn’t laugh, “Ugh, cut me some slack. When you’re young, you’re an idiot if you do it. When you’re old, you’re an idiot if you don’t. It will relax you” she sang. "After your meeting with that owl, I thought you needed some."

Brain snorted.

“I do not need alcoholic intoxication to deal with life’s predicaments.”

“Those are a lot of words for _I’m a little princess who can’t hold his liquor._ ” Billie mocked him and he snatched the flask from her, drinking a huge gulp from it. 

It wasn’t the best idea. He choked, feeling the alcohol burning his throat on the way in, strong enough to make his eyes water, and each gasp for air still burning his tongue. 

“Small sips, Brain! You’re not a college student!” Billie shouted, half alarmed, half laughing her head off, and snatched the flask back. 

“See?” He choked, slowly recovering, “I’m not a princess. And so it seems, neither are you anymore. This is even worse than cigarettes! What happened to you? You used to be so… innocent! and naive, and…” He shut up, deciding to take the flask and drink another small sip.

It didn’t taste as bad, but he still grimaced. By his third long sip, his tongue had numbed, and he decided it wasn’t so bad. It made him feel… warm. And the fire was… entrancing.

“Beautiful? Fair? Stupid?” she batted her lashes, “Ha! It’s called growing old, Brain. Life ain’t easy inside the lab. You get tortured, day in, day out, waiting for your prince to come and save you. But there are no princes. Just evil hamsters who try to change you, little weirdos who think you’re less than the world, kids who date you to piss off their dad, and the regular jerk who buys you expensive stuff in exchange for your body. When it comes to men, nothing is free.” she spoke bitterly, and her eyes went really bright as she continued with a hopeful tone: “Then, the white knight in shining armor and blue eyes appears in your life-- and he’s in love with someone else.”

Billie sighed, her age reflecting in the shadows under her eyes. Perhaps it was the alcohol, or the feeling of adventure, or the worry she felt for Pinky, but she had never expressed that out loud. She wasn’t even talking to Brain anymore (who, unbeknownst to her, had continued drinking during her whole rant), but to herself.

“So yeah, that’s why I drink and smoke and am not the little dumb princess who wants a prince. Heck, I don’t even know what I want now. I mean, I still want Pin… Pinky's cheesecake recipe, but I know he's unavailable to… help me. Alas, when you two find each other I bet you’ll be like rabbits, all day long, no time for cooking. This is the longest you two have been apart, right? That’s gotta ignite something inside you."

There was a small silence, and she looked at her companion, face planted on the floor. 

“Brain?” She peeled him off the ground, and he was drooling, his eyes unfocused and half lidded. “Are you alright?”

“ _Nyaaaaah_ , the _Frensh_ ” Brain slurred, laughing. 

She sat him next to her, but he was swaying towards the fire, so she put his head over her shoulder. 

“You’re not alright. Huh… “ she smiled mischievously, taking advantage of his pitiful state: “So, Eggy… Are you into Pinky?”

“I’m into science and being right.” Brain slurred, his lifted finger twirled a little in the air, like conducting an invisible orchestra. He tried to drink more whisky, but Billie took the flask away and emptied it on the ground. 

"We’re out of whiskey. Come on, Pinky has told me everything you've done for him! You're telling me, after all these years, you’ve never really tried to be something more?"

"More of what? More mouse? How more mouse can we be? (Hic!) You gotta be more _speficic--Oooooh_ ! You wanna know if I ever porked Pinky?" He chuckled, snorting. Drat, he was drunk. "Haven’t had the pleasure... _yet._ " 

"Really? Not even made out? Kissed under the influence?" she pushed.

"Nopety nopety nope" 

"Not even a quick peck? A victory smooch?" she insisted

"We haven't got a victory yet, _Bli-ie._ " he waved a finger on her face, bopping her nose repeatedly and slurring her name entirely. She grabbed his finger to make him stop. 

"I thought you-- but you're dating, aren't you? Pinky is always telling me how much he loves you. Do you love him?"

“Mmmkay, bout that… Many times I’ve found _m’self_ in-- in a crossroad (hic!): Gaining the _wolrd_ but losing Pinky. And every time-- every time I’ve chosen Pinky'' He slurred, trying to not let the words stumble with each other, so Billie wouldn’t notice the degree of his inebriation. “And I _wond’r_ why! All I ever _want’d_ was (hic!) the _wolrd_ ! And--and I’ve given up _evr’ting_ for it! What makes Pinky the only exc-- _drat_ . Uh... Long worb. Wait, I can do this. Ex-pec- _shun_?” he smiled, satisfied with himself. 

“You love him too, egghead” Billie sighed, and in response, Brain broke down crying.

“I do? Oh drat, I do! Oh _shit_ , what am I gonna do? What if he rejects me? What if he doesn’t? I don’t know _wsh_ one’s worse! Wha-- What if he’s dead? Has the _wolrd_ always been so twirly? Wheeee--” He tilted to the side, falling to the ground. 

"I'll tell you what to do: be better! Pinky is a saint to put up with you!” Billie carried him, sitting him upright.

" _Pffff!_ He 's no saint! You should see his _intrenet_ history!" Brain assured her, falling to her shoulder.

"But he's good and sweet and full of love… and you treat him like crap! It's like casting pearls before swine!" Billie grabbed his shoulder to keep him grounded, staring at him with contempt. 

“Why do you hate me?” Brain sniffed, trying to clean the snot and tears from his face but missing entirely.

"I don't hate you, I envy you!" she snapped. 

"What?! But I am a loser! It's been _twenttwo_ years and I still haven't taken over the _wodlr_!"

"You don't _need_ the world, you have Pinky! I lied, I don't care about his cheesecake at all! I don’t even eat carbs! I just want someone who’ll take me for who I am! Someone who makes me feel wanted, I wanna settle down and have someone to take care of! I’m older than dust and everyone has slept with me but… no one will remember me when I’m gone.” she wept. 

"Oh Billie! I’m so sorry! I _promish_ to be better!" he cried, tried to hug her and fell to her lap instead. 

They wept until they both fell asleep, still heavily drunk. If a hiker had traveled that far into the forest, and they had looked inside a nook between two rocks, they would have seen two mice with wet cheeks, the small one on the tall one's lap; sheltered from the cold with a shared fur coat, fast asleep next to a dying bonfire. 

…

 _Let’s put a mouse--Let’s put a mouse--Let’s put a mouse in the White House!_ On the screen, the mouse in the emerald suit smiled, and the whole world was hers. She won by a landslide, the newspapers said. She was a Senator now.

Senator Julia smiled at the camera, the image glitching on the screen, overplayed, overconfident, overqualified, seemingly mocking the real her, the one who couldn’t comb her messy hair or brush her teeth ever since that time her mirror briefly reflected the emerald suit, the winning smile, the omnipresent, eyes, looming over her, always judging….

And now that the Senator was in every reflection, Julia feared she was slowly losing her mind. 

_“Put a mouse--”_ Senator Julia spoke from the TV. 

“Shut up! Stop giving me orders! You can’t control me!” she shouted, throwing her thimble to the screen and cracking it. Screens are so delicate nowadays… she’d have to order another one.

 _“Of course I don't. I’m you. And look at you right now. You’re a mess. Uncontrollable!”_ Senator Julia seemed to say, staring at her from every corner of the room, the omnipresent image she could no longer emulate. Pinky nailed all of her pictures and accomplishments to the wall, maybe that hadn’t been such a good idea after all. 

“This is not my fault! Brain did this!” Julia twitched and panted, trying to control herself. If she let her anger get the best of her, her head would catch on fire _again_ and that _hurt_.

 _“When are you gonna stop blaming others for your own mistakes? That's not what an ideal politician would do...”_ Senator Julia mocked her from the posters on the wall, in all of her perfect glory. 

“Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up!” she cried, shutting her eyes and covering her ears, while a cacophony of _Senator Julias_ , a whole Congress, mocked her. And, oh, the twitches had begun, as painful as always. 

“Julie, the movie is on--” another voice called, one that didn’t belong to her, and the clash of sounds was enough to bring her back to reality. 

By the doorframe, holding a single popcorn in one paw and a thimble on the other, Pinky stared at her. 

“Oh, are you talking to the wall again? Ask her if she wants to watch _Parent Trap_ with us! Narf!”

“Pinky,” she begged with a broken voice, twitching violently, “Help… me!”

“Egad, are you dancing? I love dancing! Can we dance after the movie?”

In response, her hair caught on fire.

“Egad, Julie, you’re truly on fire!” Pinky said, oblivious. Julia growled some inaudible sounds. “What? I can’t hear you! Let me put out this fire!” Pinky threw the thimble of water at her, and Julia fell to her knees, the water refreshing her. She trembled, gasped, and started crying hysterically.

Now, Pinky was dense, but he was perceptive. He dropped his popcorn and knelt to her side, hugging her with all of his might and singing a dumb little song about narfs (what?). The inanity of the song slowly calmed Julia and he continued singing and petting her hair until she stopped shaking.

“Pinky, you saved me” she muttered, once she recovered. 

“Awww, it’s nothing, Julie! You’ll learn to dance without catching on fire.” Pinky cooed, still brushing her hair with his fingers, “Egad, I hadn’t sang that song in years! I composed it to cheer Brain up, when he was feeling down. It was fun-fun--” 

Julia twitched again.

“I told you--” she began with a normal voice, “NOT TO MENTION THAT NAME AGAIN” she growled, growing twice her size, grabbing the other mouse and smashing him, head first, to the cracked screen. 

Pinky, clumsy as he was, was constantly tripping with his own tail, burning himself while cooking, biting his tongue, nibbling his tail, and had a high pain resistance. Pinky could brush away any pain and carry on merrily. But this time, he fell to the ground and didn’t stand up. And the concern was such, Julia immediately went back to her normal size.

“Pinky? Pinky!” _No, no, please don’t, don’t leave me alone with myself,_ she thought, running to his side. A small cut on his forehead was bleeding a little. She touched it reluctantly, and blue eyes opened wide, followed by a big goofy smile.

“Oh, hi Julie! Why are you upside down? Narf!”

“You… fell,” Julia lied, helping him stand. 

“I did? I don’t remember! Say, can we go watch the movie now?”

“Actually, we’re playing a new game.” she said, her voice controlled and calm. 

“We are? Oh, that 's great! What is it? Go Fish? Ring around the cheesy? Can we go have a snowfight? The weather outside is delightful!”

“No--no. None of that. I will tie your hands and feet, cover your eyes and muzzle you. And then you count to one hundred and try to find me.” 

“I… don’t really wanna play that anymore. Narf.” Pinky admitted, toying with his tail.

“But it’s your favorite one!”

“Can we just go watch the movie?” he asked meekly, looking down.

“No, Pinky. We’re playing now.” she decided, grabbing a bunch of zip ties from a pencil holder. She approached him slowly, and Pinky stared at the zip ties, with quiet, panicked realization. 

“I... don’t think we need those for that. Fjord.” Pinky backed down, slowly, and when she least expected it, he ran to the kitchen, rushing to open the window and escape.

“Pinky! Come back! Computer, lock all windows!” Julia followed him, grabbing a taser gun on the way.

“Windows locked” the computer said, the only calm voice during the ruckus.

“I don’t wanna do this anymore! Narf!” Pinky cried, struggling to open the window. Then, he felt a strong tingly feeling that was fun but too intense, and everything went blank.

When he opened his eyes, they were already in the bathroom, and Julia had tied his wrists and ankles with zip ties.

“Julie, please, I’m not in the mood for--”

“Nonsense! Think of what a fun game this is. If you win, you’ll get… A slice of cheese.”

He considered this for a second.

“Uhm… well, I do love cheese! Which kind? I love provolone and brie, and camembert, and--” and she’d never know which other cheeses he liked (spoiler alert: All of them) because she had finished muzzling him. 

By the time Pinky realized he couldn’t eat the cheese with his mouth shut tight, it was too late, and he looked at her with huge puppy eyes, disappointment and fear glowing on them, along with tears.

“Don’t look at me like that. I’m not the bad guy here” Julia assured him, tilting his chin up, then, to avoid those sad blue eyes, she blindfolded him, leaving him in the darkness of the locked bathroom.

 _“At least leave the light on for that poor creature...”_ _Senator_ Julia smirked at her from the reflection of the puppy frames on the wall.

“Don’t you even start,” she growled, “I’m protecting him from you.”

 _And me,_ she thought bitterly. 

...

The snow still wouldn’t melt. Instead there seemed to be more and more each day. While it was sort of a blessing (snow was the only thing his sick stomach could handle right now), he feared one day it would swallow them whole, and they’d freeze to death. Who’d care about two tiny mice, frozen in the middle of the forest? Who’d ask for them? Who’d suspect they were looking for their best friend, who’d think one of them was planning to take over the world? 

He had woken up extra grumpy. He was still feeling sick, not that he’d ever admit it. Billie knew, anyway, simply handing him a pair of sunglasses and carrying him on her back, held by a scarf like a baby (undignified, yes, but he didn’t have the strength to complain). She didn’t mention last night either, nor how awful he stank, of warm alcohol and bile, she simply kept walking, until the snow reached her waist, and each step was harder than the last one. 

“Wow, we better hurry before the weather gets worse. We can’t die when we’re so close.” Billie sighed, her heavy breath turning into puffy clouds, “I know your plans tend to fail at the last minute, but that’s not my style.”

“ _You_ dare to talk about style? Oh dear...” Brain answered plainly, only lifting his gaze from the GPS to eye her askance. Billie scoffed, nudging him softly, “According to our coordinates, we’re supposedly close. Look around for anything out of the ordinary.” he jumped off her back, standing on a rock.

“Something like… a hollow tree stump not covered in snow with a welcome mat?”

“What?” Brain looked up, following the direction of her nail file. Indeed, in the middle of a clearing, miraculously without any snow, a hollowed trunk and a colorful “Welcome Home :)” mat seemed so out of place… it had to be. 

"Yes! Billie! Are you--?"

“Let's go!" Billie ran towards the grass of the clearing, but Brain grabbed her tail and yanked her back to the snow.

“What are you thinking, skipping to grannie’s house like you’re Red Riding Hood?! Look around, it can’t be that simple! It’s gotta be a trap! She 's insane!”

“Sure, you put a microchip inside her brain but she’s the insane one.” Billie quipped, “I think you’re overcomplicating stuff. There’s a mat right there!”

“Yes, hiding a minefield! Maybe if we hack into the system--"

“Eggy, you're overthinking it. Say, why don't I do the pondering this time? Now… How do you think a good leopard skin would fit your chubby little body? Also, a little makeup won't hurt nobody…" she waved her magenta lipstick on his face, relishing in his horrified expression and blushy ears.

"NO. Whatever you're pondering is definitely NOT what I'm pondering! As your future dictator I demand you to--" Brain backed down slowly, while Billie stepped forward just as slow.

"Trust me, Eggy! You'll look unrecognizable when I'm through with you!" She cooed, pinning him against a tree trunk.

Only the birds heard him scream.

...

There was no tea, of course there was no tea. Pinky was in charge of that. And the kitchen was dirty, Pinky was who cleaned it. She felt maybe, just maybe, she should let him out. The poor mouse had been in the darkness of the bathroom for two days. That couldn’t be good, right? What if he was hungry or thirsty? 

Yet, he was there because he _had to._ If she let him out, he’d mention that name again, and she’d lose control again, and what if she killed him this time?

What was worse? Throwing him in the bathroom with no food and water, or killing him in one of her anger fits? 

_Good people don't kidnap other people_ , a voice retorted inside her mind, the _Senator,_ that bright, spirited presidential candidate she once was. 

"I didn't kidnap him," she reasoned out loud, "I’m trying to save him from the monster."

 _Which monster? The mouse who gave the world away for Pinky more than once, or the one who's locking him inside the bathroom, tied down and muzzled?_

"Stop that! Don’t mention him! Don’t put us in the same category! I'm not the bad guy here! I'm the victim!" she muttered, again and again.

The victim, the victim… Who was the victim? Pinky or her? Or both?

_Then prove it. Free him!_

Her hands, shivering and frozen, hovered over the set of keys...

And there was a knock on the door.

“How--?” Julia muttered, outraged, and ran towards the door, holding a crossbow on her way out.

"I tell you this won't work" someone whispered and someone shushed them. Julia opened the door and two female old mice with heavy makeup and colorful fur coats smiled at her. The tall one held a cigarette and the short one wore a veiled hat.

“Hiii” they both said at the same time.

“This is a confidential location. How did you find it?” Julia asked curtly, the crossbow pointing at them. Both chuckled anxiously.

“There’s a welcome mat.” The tallest one said with a thick Brooklyn accent. Julia glanced down at the happy _Welcome Home :)_ at their feet, cursing Pinky under her breath.

She wanted them to leave, she didn’t want anyone to see her sins, to be exposed as the monster she was (not!). But oh, the Senator wouldn't be happy if she wasn’t courteous. Well, at least she could figure out who the heck managed to find her. 

As such, she put the crossbow against the wall.

“I’m sorry.” She said, with that candidacy winning smile, “I just wasn’t expecting visitors."

"Allow me to introduce ourselves." The tallest one spoke "I'm Billie and this is Br--Brianna. We're your new neighbors!"

"I don't have any neighbors."

"Well now you do! Gentrification, am I right?" The smaller mouse interjected, with a high pitched, anxious little laugh. 

She tried to gaze inside Julia's lair, and Julia leaned against the door, casually blocking the view 

"Gentrification, yes. I was planning to do something about it during my term. Was I in favor or against it?" she trailed off, almost forgetting about the visitors, then stared at them with mild surprise, "What can I do for you?"

The two ladies glanced at each other. Loneliness (and a malfunctioning chip inside her brain) had obviously taken its toll on the psyche of the former politician. She twitched. 

"We're here to sell…" _Brianna_ trailed off, “Uhm...”

"Cookies!" Billie finished. 

"We don't have any cookies here you idiot--" Brianna growled under her breath, stabbing the other’s foot with one heeled shoe. Billie nudged back, sharply. 

"I mean clothes. We left the cookies at home." Billie finished. Both smiled widely at Julia. 

"I don't need any clothes. I don't use them anymore. They’re from another moment in my life and that moment is gone."

"Oh honey, every girl needs clothes! A little black dress, killer heels, a yellow jumpsuit to murder the man who ruined you…"

"Billie!" Brianna stared at her, horrified. 

"You catch my drift. Oh _dahling_ but that body of yours will fit inside anything! You don't have to buy anything but it would be a crime, a crime I tell ya, if you don’t at least try some of these! With that pretty face of yours and those warm colors of your skin any color will _surely_ make you stand out…" Billie insisted, with a fast, exaggerated Brooklyn accent, throwing clothes at the brown mouse, who was so overwhelmed with all the attention, she stepped back. 

When she least expected it, Billie was already sitting at her table, with a mountain of clothes by her side and a lit cigarette on her elegant paw. 

"Brianna, _dahling_ , come in. She don't bite." Billie winked at her friend, who shook her head, incredulously, and carefully stepped inside. 

"Tell me baby, who decorated your kitchen? It looks so neat!" Billie said blithely "This place is a dream house, don't you think, Brianna?" 

Brianna, who was serving herself water, noticed some burnt white fur by the window next to the sink. 

"I surely do! And you have oh so many knick knacks made for a little mouse! Who's your decorator? I gotta find him!" 

Julia, who had been inspecting a leather jacket, stopped and turned to see Brianna.

"How do you know it was a _he_?" She asked, narrowing her eyes. Brianna cleared her throat.

"I'm… trying to avoid gender stereotyping?" She said, though it was more of a question "Do you… happen to have a way to contact him? Billie and I are trying to redecorate our kitchen" 

"Unfortunately, you can't contact him." Julia said, a dangerous smile forming on her face, and walked slowly towards Brianna. Billie, behind her, shook her head violently, mouthing _"Stop!"_

"Why not? I really _really_ could use his advice. For my kitchen." _Brianna_ answered, no longer disguising his voice. Billie, behind them, face palmed.

"I'm afraid he had a fatal accident not so long ago..." Julia said, averting her gaze enough for _Brianna_ to jump on top of her, stabbing her shoulders with his (magenta No. 6) claws.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?" Brain yelled. Julia growled, her tail slapped him on the face, and his hat fell to the floor. She grabbed him from the fur-trimmed neck of his yellow dress, like an angry kitten. 

"I KNEW IT!" She growled. Billie stood up hastily, throwing the table on the way, and ran to the door, but an assortment of guns dropping from the roof, all of them pointing at Brain, made her stop.

“MOUSE WITH THE CHUBBY HEAD IDENTIFIED” the Computer said. 

Julia smiled dangerously.

“Any sudden movements will trigger the alarm and your chubby friend will turn to dust.” She lulled. 

Billie lifted her hands, helplessly. 

"Ahm… Brianna! Who are you, really?!!" She improvised. 

Brain glared at her, and wiped the makeup off his face. 

"Billie is another genetically spliced mouse.” He said “She's not with me, she was worried about Pinky and tagged along. We're not even friends. This is between you and I, Julia, let her go." 

Julia turned towards Billie, who nodded quickly against the door, trying to stop shaking so she could grab the doorknob and escape. 

"You can't control me anymore!" Julia howled, twitching "And you WON'T give me orders! Computer! Enter lockdown mode! No one gets out unless I say so!" The lights dimmed down, only a red light shone intermittently, and all the windows and the main entrance locked down with bars and a steel door, almost taking Billie's hand on the way.

Julia, still twitching, scratched Brain with one hand, and the rags of his yellow dress fell to the floor. The tiny mouse could only whimper.

"To the dungeon you go!" She growled, took a key and opened the door to a miserable bathroom.

"This is a bathroom!" Brain complained, his legs kicking the air. 

"Pinky turned my dungeon into a crocheting room." Julia shrugged, throwing the mouse inside and locking the door. 

“As for you...” she continued, turning slowly towards a very distraught Billie, who tried to shield herself with her pile of clothes.“You’re gonna tell me everything you know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter got super long D: I'll try to have shorter ones from now on.  
> Brain is slurring the Paul Masson commercials with Orson Welles, which you should see if you haven't, it's funny. In general, it's funny to write drunken Brain, I took some cues from the Titanic fic.  
> At some point Billie references Kill Bill because I've written many of these chapters listening to Kill Bill's OST. The title of the fic is based on a song (but it's Brandy, not Billie, who's a fine girl) about a woman who gets the attention of all the sailors, but never their love. Sad lyrics, happy song.
> 
> Brain's "I'm into science and being right" which for me is the funniest shit ever, was stolen from a conversation with Churb. 
> 
> As always, I appreciate kudos and comments, you guys really make my day :3 thanks for reading!


	6. Three Clicks and I'm Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER:  
> This is an M fic. You saw that on the little square ao3 puts here. You clicked and the website asked you if you wanted to proceed. If you are a minor, you shouldn't be reading this. It's not explicit, but there's sexual content ahead. Read at your own risk.
> 
> HOWEVER, if you are an adult (bc if you're minor you shouldn't be reading this in the first place) and you don't feel like reading light smut today, you can skip it like this: From _“Oh, Pinky, you imbecile...”_ to the chapter break.
> 
> Special thanks to Mitchekie, Mage and Churb for helping me, and to Akanague for being the best rubber duck ever.

Brain would tell you that his life was filled with darkness, but until that moment, he would have been wrong. Only in the sensory deprivation tank he had experienced something like that.

He looked around, cursing his lack of animal instincts. Normal mice could see in the dark, even darkness as thick as this one. They also had an enhanced sense of smell. But he? He was totally lost here, having his animal instincts replaced by logic.

“Pinky!” he called, “Pinky, are you here?!” Silence.

“Pinky, I demand you to tell me where you are, or I shall have to hurt you!” He insisted, raising his voice. Still nothing, and he began to feel an oppressive weight over his chest. Perhaps it was asking for too much. Maybe Julia wasn’t lying. Maybe Pinky wasn't even alive to answer him. 

“....Pinky?” he whimpered, and he decided to, for once, be quiet. That’s when he heard the muffled sounds of another being, and, flapping around blindly, his hands finally grabbed something else: Warm, silky fur, some rags, and a damp nose, that sniffed more frantically once it recognized his scent. 

His first instinct was to draw him closer and nuzzle him, maybe even brush his lips on top of Pinky’s head… So of course he bonked him instead, but a soft bonk, more of a brush with his closed hand. Only then he shakily pulled off the rags muzzling and blinding his dearest friend.

“Brain!” Pinky finally spoke, gasping, “Oh, I would love to hug you but I’ve been playing with Julia and I think she forgot to untie me? Well, my hands are still tied, really really tight! She’s a great player. Narf. What are you doing here?”

Oh, his nonsense, how he missed the nonsense coming out of his mouth! Brain sighed, not sure if that was defeat or relief.

“Apparently the dungeon is a crocheting room.”

“Oh, yeah the _fun-geon_! Zort!” Brain’s hands ghosted around Pinky limbs, finally finding what he was looking for: zip ties tying his wrists together. 

“How long have you been here?” Brain asked, blindly trying to untie his friend. 

“Three months?” Pinky guessed, and the plastic cutting his wrists finally fell down.

“Pinky, you went missing a month ago.” 

“Oh. Narf. Maybe less, then.” Pinky said softly, rubbing his raw wrists, and watched Brain continue with the ties on his hind paws. 

He giggled. It tickled! No one had touched him for the longest time! Every time he tried to hug or play with Julia she’d get all stiff and weepy, and she’d have to excuse herself and lock herself in her room, crying and yelling at the mirror.

Unable to contain himself any longer, once Brain untied him, he swooped the tiny mouse in a warm embrace.

Oh, this was it! Pinky sighed deeply. This was home. No shelves or frilly aprons or plastic covered couches could come close to this. His house, back at Acme Labs might not be a dream house, but it _was_ a home! There was no need to click his heels three times! 

Even the faint kicks on his stomach felt like home! And Brain only kicked thrice this time, finally surrendering to his embrace.

“Oh Brain, there’s no place like home!” Pinky wept, and put the smaller mouse back on the ground. Brain could barely distinguish Pinky’s silhouette, but Pinky could see Brain's reddened ears. 

“Pinky, please, save your saccharine feelings for when we’re actually home” Brain said, brushing his fur, as if that was enough to brush Pinky’s scent away. 

“But you're here, Brain! Narf! You came here to help Julia, right? And set right what was wrong!”

What was that sentimental mouse babbling about?

“Pinky, you must be a victim of Stockholm syndrome. Julia is evil, and we’re definitely not helping her.”

“Is it Christmas already? I don’t have a stock to fill!”

“Those are socks, and nothing you just said makes sense. Come, Pinky!” Brain urged him, “We gotta get out of this bathroom, save Billie, and go home!”

“But Julia--”

“She locked you here! Your wrists are raw because of her, she hurt you! Ergo, she 's evil.”

“Well, you’ve hurt me too. Does that make you evil? And you also hurted Julia! Actually, if you hadn’t hurt her, we wouldn’t even be here. Zort.” Pinky reasoned (what), rendering Brain speechless, for once. “You said you’d help her and apologize! You made a promise, Brain! And a promise is a promise is a promise--” 

“Well-- Fine! I don’t need your trivial morality lessons, Pinky! You wanna stay here until we die? Great! So be it. Farewell, taking over the world! Pinky is Holier-than-thou, and as such, it is a crime for him to try and escape!” Brain said dramatically and sat with his back against Pinky, crossing his arms.

He was hoping that Pinky would immediately apologize, but he just sat there, exhaling with defeat.

“Maybe Julia was right: you’re a meanie, Brain.” Pinky muttered. And, with a whisper, “Maybe you shouldn’t have come. Poit.”

Ouch. That one stung, and Brain thanked the darkness that concealed the tragic expression he made, and the tears prickling his eyes. 

“You’re right, Pinky. I shouldn’t have.”

…

She'd have to admit it, the interrogation room was really cozy, with murals on the walls depicting rainbows, cheeses and dancing mice with fluffy dresses. That had to be Pinky's hand. The only thing menacing looking was the metallic table with attached handcuffs, and even that one had a doily and freshly picked flowers in a vase. 

Julia, clawing Billie's wrist with one hand and pointing her jackknife to Billie’s back with the other, pulled her to the chair.

“Sit down.” she ordered, the jackknife against Billie’s throat, then she handcuffed Billie to the table.

“Aren’t you gonna invite me for dinner first?” Billie asked sardonically, and feigned a sigh, stretching dramatically over the table, “Oh, like the days of my youth! Be gentle, will ya? I’m out of practice.”

Julia groaned, exasperated.

“What is wrong with everyone in Acme Labs?!”

“You want the full report?” Billie jested, and the knife went to her throat. She gulped, “I guess not.” 

“You’re gonna tell me everything you know” Julia twitched.

“Everything? Honey I’m a genetically engineered lab mouse who watches TV the whole day, I know a lot of useless shit.” Billie smirked, “And still, I won’t tell you anything unless you let go my friend! Oh. And you could also release Brain, I guess.” she shrugged, “I wouldn’t recommend keeping him, he never shuts up about his _brilliant mind, yes!”_ She mocked Brain’s voice, and to her surprise, Julia stifled a chuckle. 

“Did Brain ruin your life too?” Julia asked, softer this time.

“Weeell... No. Not on purpose. He’s just annoying: he never lets you sleep because he’s making things explode, he’s driving property values down and that’s why we never have any new neighbors, he infatuated the love of my life… Ugh, and just pray he won’t fall for you! He proposed to me _twice_!” Julia gasped.

“He proposed to me too!” she said excitedly. 

“He’s the worst! So controlling...” Billie groaned “ _Stop smoking, it damages your lung tissue! Stop drinking, think of your liver! Nag nag nag!”_ she mocked him again, and this time, Julia chuckled with her. 

“He planted a chip inside my brain, and ruined my blooming political career!” Julia cheered, twitching a little, and Billie, who watched the news every day, had a realization:

“Wait a minute, that’s why you’re so familiar to me! Your face was all over the news! You’re Senator Julia, aren’t you? I saw you on TV! The biggest political promise! I bet your face will be in history books everywhere… you’ll never be forgotten.” She glanced towards one corner of the room, where Julia had gathered all of her political posters, promotions, stickers, pins and other political paraphernalia. 

She was planning to burn that today, to escape from the Senator and her accusatory smile, but-- things had taken a different turn. 

Julia twitched painfully, biting her lip.

“No--no. That’s-- That’s not me. That’s _the Senator._ ” she said, saying that title with fear and reverence. 

“Well, you’re _the_ senator, Julia. Or, you have a twin sister?”

“What? No. No, what I mean is-- I’m no longer that mouse. I’m not the mouse in the White House. She’s smart and pretty and has the perfect hair, the perfect smile, the perfect comeback… and I-- I’m--I’m a monster.” Julia said shakily, and despite being tied down by a mentally unstable woman, Billie felt flooded by compassion. “I was created to be a monster under Brain’s control. That’s all I am, and all I’ll ever be. I’ll never be The Senator.”

“Brain isn't even in control of himself.” Billie scoffed. “Listen, honey, I’ve been there, believe me! I’ve felt useless! Lemme see, what helped me that time?” she pondered, then snapped her fingers “I know! I can make you look and feel better!”

"With magic? Medicine? A spell?" Julia asked, bemused. 

"Hmm… I was thinking of a makeover.” Billie shrugged, smiling lamely. “Don’t underestimate the power of makeup and a haircut! Tell you what, if you untie me--” she began, but Julia’s knife pointed to her neck, and Julia’s pretty brown eyes stared intensely at her, so intensely in fact, she felt her throat dry. 

“Then what, you’ll escape? Kill me with my own tools? Escape? I said that twice, didn’t I?” she got closer, her breath tickled Billie’s nose, “How could I ever trust you?”

Billie, despite feeling both terrified and enticed, kept a poker face. She wasn’t even sure if this was for the sake of an escape plan, or simply because she really wanted to help that poor soul the only way she could. 

“You’ll have to take a leap of faith and trust me, _dear_.” she purred, and Julia’s breath hitched when the other mouse’s fingers squished the matted, clumped knots she had for hair. “Look at you...” Billie sighed, and to her chagrin, Julia flinched a little, expecting some sort of condescending mock like the Senator’s, something about how she was such a mess, such a monstrous creature, she couldn’t even comb her hair. 

“You’re so pretty… Do you think a monster would have this pretty face?” Billie cooed, grabbing her face and inspecting her, “You’ve been playing life on hard mode, haven’t you? Wouldn’t you like to feel like yourself again?”

The offer was tempting, the mouse even more so, and Julia had to pull herself together, feigning strength, and wiping her eyes as sneakily as possible. The Senator, for once, stood quiet, as if she was also waiting for her response. 

Julia inspected Billie, getting dangerously close, as if she tried to smell deception in Billie’s cheap perfume, unsure of what to do, and then glanced towards the Senator, scrapped in a corner of the room, miraculously silent. 

Hesitant, she freed Billie, who stood up slowly, rubbing her wrists. 

“One sudden move,” she warned, “and you’ll die. Alright?” Julia pulled Billie’s coat, her knife brushing Bilie’s cheek, and their noses bumped together, brown eyes stabbing blue. The grey mouse could only nod quickly. 

She released Billie, mainly because the close distance between them was making her feel odd, and still pointing her knife at the other mouse, they walked towards the kitchen.

Passing in front of the dungeon-bathroom, Billie wished she could buy as much time as possible for her friends to make an escape plan…

If they weren’t too busy making out.

…

They weren’t making out at all. They weren't even talking, at most a begrudged "Do you want some trail mix?" from Brain and a quiet "Thanks" from Pinky. 

Brain waited for Pinky to eat the trail mix he had been too sick to nibble in the morning, drink water from the sink; and once he made sure his friend was no longer malnourished, he resumed their bickering:

“I’ve lost a whole month looking for you, you know? Thirty nights that could have potentially been when I finally took over the world! But alas, I was too busy looking for a turncoat!” he spat venomously. 

He didn’t mean that, of course. He would have lost more time, all the time in the world, just to see Pinky again. But he was hurt, it was too dark to see anything, and Pinky felt out of reach.

And getting further apart. 

“It’s not my fault you never find your coats, I always tell you to clean up your closet! And what about you? You never told me you tortured Julia! She was your wife and my friend! Narf! And you _always_ eat the cereal's marshmallows!” 

“For the last time, Cheerios don't have marshmallows, those are Lucky Charms! And that's irrelevant right now! Why do you keep siding with Julia?! You’re my assistant, not hers, I’m the one who should give your life purpose, just as you give purpose to--” He stopped, things were starting to get too heated for his taste.

“What.” Pinky spat. “Say it!” 

“Nothing. Nothing at all! By all means, stay here! I don’t need you! Why would I need a mouse who's so idiotic, he doesn't know the difference between Cheerios and Lucky Charms?!”

“I _would_ , if _someone_ left me some marshmallows to differentiate them!” Pinky yelled, exasperated, “You know what? Forget about it. You wanna leave? Well, there’s the door.” he pointed, his exhausted tone contrasting with the comical fact that Brain couldn’t see his hand pointing towards the door, nor the door itself. Pinky walked to the corner of the room, taking out a key from his wrinkled green apron, and throwing it unceremoniously at Brain’s feet, “There. You wanna escape, break your promises and be a meanie mean mouse? Now’s your chance. Leave. Narf.” 

Brain didn’t answer, only listening to Pinky's foot tapping on the floor. He couldn’t see him, but he imagined he’d be crossing his arms and frowning, somehow looking even less menacing than ever, always adorable, and even though it was obvious he’d never go home without Pinky, saying it out loud felt like the hardest thing. 

“Pinky, don’t be an idiot.” he began. Great start for a love confession, he thought. 

“Oh, so I’m an idiot! I guess that means I’m also a genetically engineered mouse!”

“You _are_ a genetically engineered mouse.”

“I suppose that’s my fault too! You know, at least Julia doesn’t insult me all the time!”

“Well, Pinky if I happen to treat you so inhumanely, to the extent that you’d prefer the woman who kidnapped you over me, then why the hell are you still around?!”

“Why are _you_ here, if I’m such an idiot?!” Pinky retorted, and he had no response to that. The taller mouse sighed with resignation. “Brain. I'm in love with you. That’s why I stick around. I thought you knew that already."

He tried to suppress a “poit” that came out anyways, and Brain felt like he was falling off a building, waiting for the pain of the impact. The love confession laid shyly at his feet, next to the key, and he didn’t know what to do with either. 

“No you’re not.” he retorted, the only thing that came to his mind. Very clever, Brain. 

No, Pinky couldn’t love him. And not because he felt he was unlovable and the only way he’d ever be worthy of anyone’s love would be after he took over the world, no sir. It was because… Pinky was too stupid to know what true love really entails. Yeah, because unlike Pinky, he was an expert on the matter.

Obviously.

“Pinky, you don’t even know what love is.” he stuttered, “Your inferior intellect--”

“You’re the one who doesn’t know, you-- green pea soup!” Pinky retorted.

“Pinky, that is not a clever insult.” 

“You think you know everything, Brain, but you don’t know a thing about love!”

“And you do? Why, please, illustrate it to me!” Brain said sarcastically, crossing his arms, not that Pinky would notice in the dark.

"I-- I'm not sure! But I feel at home when I’m with you. And-- and I know that when you’re mean and rude, it’s because you’re scared and broken and--” he exhaled, trying his best to thread his feelings and words in a way that made sense to anyone outside the cotton candy mess he had for a brain. “Do you remember that time Ferdinand broke in half when we were playing frisbee?” Ferdinand was a button. “And I was so sad and you took the super glue and fixed him? Brain, that’s what you are. You’ll be the glue that fixes the world, I know you will! And when you feel scared or broken, I-- I wanna be your glue.”

He emphasized his passionate speech with a quiet “Troz”, and for a moment, Brain’s mind was so empty, he might as well say _troz_ himself.

Brain tried to blink away the tears, glancing towards the door, or at least, where he thought the door was (It was still too dark to tell), and he wondered, what was the use? Why would it matter if Pinky loved him or not, if he was about to die? In the grand scheme of things, did it matter? Not really. And yet...

He turned slowly towards where he assumed Pinky was, and his breath hitched, marveling at how the faintest light available still managed to reflect some blue on Pinky’s huge eyes, and he realized it mattered to him, and it mattered a fuckton. Even if he was about to die (perhaps because of it). Even if love was fleeting, and death was just around the corner, and fate was mocking him, giving him what he secretly wanted for the longest time, and then killing him almost immediately. 

“Well, now you know,” Pinky chuckled humorlessly. “Now you can leave if you wanna. There’s the key.” he, again, pointed to pure darkness.

“Pinky, I’m not leaving without you.”

“Why not?” Pinky asked and he wondered how much could Pinky see his reddened face, or hear his rapid heartbeat.

“You-- you know why.” Brain muttered, not daring to say more.

“I do?”

“Yes, Pinky, you do. In a cruel twist of fate, you were granted that wish a long time ago, and ironically, now that you know, it will be shortly taken away from you. Such is life, my dearest friend, we’re nothing but mere cosmic playthings.”

This was it. Julia won, She probably killed Billie and was probably gonna kill them both. Or, with luck, only him. Regardless, Brain realized he wasn’t getting out of this alive.

So he might as well... do it. 

“Pinky... I lo--" He exhaled, that was too difficult to say, even in these extreme circumstances. "You’ve always been--” He tried again, but that felt even harder to spit out. He breathed in, "Listen” and cupped Pinky’s face, focusing on the dimmest light barely reflecting on pale blue eyes. “Julia is out there with murderous intent, and the chances of me getting out of this alive are incredibly slim.” 

“I told you intermittent fasting worked, Brain” Pinky answered very seriously.

“Oh, Pinky, you imbecile...” Brain exhaled wistfully, and leaned forward, locking their lips together. 

It wasn’t as advertised. There were no fireworks, no feeling of falling, no mushy cutesy feelings, no Disney twirl or foot popping. Just two desperate mice, too stupid, too doomed, too late. But it was warm and nice and, like Pinky said, felt like home.

Oh but that wasn't all. When he broke the kiss, Pinky whispered a tiny “no” and kissed him urgently, tilting his head a little, one hand on Brain’s back and the other between his ears. He pushed them closer, his tongue finding its way inside Brain’s mouth, so there was no space, no oxygen (and no logic or thoughts) between them. And it was good, now, wasn't it, Brain (barely) thought, while Pinky took his sweet time to touch and kiss all over. Yes, he'd admit it was… nice, his mind too much in a haze to think of a better word.

But there was even _more?!_ (more, more, he found himself begging. How did he end up like this. Why wasn't he complaining. What was Pinky… _Oh._ )

Brain’s toes were curling, his hands not knowing what to grab, but wanting to grab everything regardless, his mouth only separating from Pinky to make needy sounds he'd regret later… He'd probably regret everything later (really? A dictator in _that_ position?), but for now there was no room for anything but Pinky. His mind, usually plagued by thoughts, was blissfully empty, focused only on Pinky, surrounded by him inside and out; Pinky encompassed the entire universe, the stars and galaxies; and _still_ , greedily, he wanted more, and faster, and... 

_Oh_ . So _those_ were fireworks.

…

The silence without the Senator was a blessing, even though it wasn’t even that quiet. 

Billie, feeling more in her element having her suitcase nearby, hummed a melody while taking her time washing Julia’s hair on the sink, combing it patiently, without either of them saying a word. 

It was only after a while that Billie spoke again, holding a hand mirror in front of her. Julia immediately shut her eyes.

“Don’t do that!” she yelled, “The Senator could be watching--”

“But this is not the Senator, Julia.” Billie said, “It’s you!”

Julia grabbed the mirror with shaky hands, fearing that her reflection would be that of the Senator and her all seeing eyes, but when she reluctantly opened her eyes, she saw…

Herself. The makeup Billie put on her hid her tired eyes, making them look open and bright, it gave some color to her cheeks, it made her look less ill, and her hair was fluffy, shiny and soft, like silk. 

That wasn’t a monster. And that wasn’t the Senator either. So, who was that in the mirror? 

She started to feel a weird fluttery sensation flexing the muscles of her mouth upwards, so she focused on the blue eyes behind her.

“I-- You said you were useless!” She accused Billie. 

“Well, making people happy is not what a genetically supergenius mouse should do with her time, right? But I never bothered to learn anything else.”

“I didn’t say I was happy!” Julia interjected, blushing.

“But you’re smiling!” Billie replied, smiling as well, and Julia tried very hard to stop doing that. “Don’t you feel more like yourself now, darling?” She asked, and Julia glanced away, covering her smile with a shaky hand. She did, but she didn’t want to admit it. The Senator wouldn’t like it. She liked to be the best one, always one-upping her, and for once, Julia actually felt more powerful.

And that scared her.

“Julia…” She felt a hand over her and she jumped, startled. Billie gave her a sympathetic look. “I’m not against you. I know you didn’t mean any of this to happen. _Please,_ you gotta let us go.”

Billie barely had time to yank her hand away, before Julia grabbed the kitchen scissors and fit them to the table, where Billie’s hand was a second ago.

“So this is it, huh? You’re just trying to decieve me with your kind words and makeover and pretty looks, are ya?” Julia accused her, clutching the scissors. 

“You... think I’m pretty?” was the only thing Billie could say. 

“Sure, let’s all try to deceive Julia! After all she’s under Brain’s control, and the Senator is right, she’s just a stupid mess, isn’t she?” Julia cackled. 

“I don’t think you’re a stupid mess! I know you’re not the villain!”

“I’m not!” Julia exclaimed, feeling the tears itching her eyes. 

“I believe you! Which is why I know you’ll let us go! You know Pinky doesn’t deserve this”. Billie tried to reason, stepping forward to grab the scissors. 

“But Brain does!” Julia twitched again, and dried her tears. So long, pretty mascara. “I’m sorry, I can’t let you guys go. I can’t be left alone with the Senator… If I don’t have Pinky around, the Senator…”

“That won’t happen.” Billie said reassuringly, taking the scissors. Julia offered no resistance.

She gulped, contemplating the decision she was about to make. It felt right. It felt like, for once, she’d be doing something remarkable with her life.

Pinky would remember her if she saved him.

“Julia, what if… I traded places with Pinky?”

“What?”

“If you let Pinky go,” she picked her next words carefully, “and you promise not to hurt him… I promise to stay here, with you, forever.” 

Julia’s eyes opened wide.

“You... you would take his place?” She asked with a hint of suspicion, but Billie didn’t relent.

“Only if you promise to never hurt him. I’ll do whatever he does. I’ll cook and clean, I’ll make tea, and I’ll do your makeup anytime you want. But you have to let him go. And Brain too.” Billie stretched her hand. “Deal?”

And Julia took her, her tail wrapping around the crossed fingers behind her back.

“Deal.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this. Now if you excuse me, I gotta go hide under a rock.


	7. All I Ask Of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the beginning of the end folks, so brace yourselves!  
> Like always, Mitchekie has been the best beta reader, and Akanague has once again been a great rubber duck.

Had it been hours? Years? How come Julia hadn’t come to take him away, and find the most creative ways of killing and torturing a mouse? Why weren’t they escaping yet?

But who’d want to escape from _this?_

For the past hours? Days? (Time? What is that?) He laid there in blissful half-slumber, curled in a ball, and everything around him was still Pinky: his warmth, his breath, his tail intertwined with Brain’s. If he stretched his fingers a little bit, he could comb the fur on Pinky's chest, and he had been doing that absently for a while. Pinky hummed “Just Say Narf” softly, like a lullaby, lightly kissing the top of his head every now and then. And if Brain lifted his head and looked up, he’d see Pinky’s adoring smile, and if it pleased him, he could stretch a little and kiss that smile. Not that he _would_ , he had exposed himself enough for a lifetime, but the fact that he _could_ was enough. 

Eventually his mind would clear, and make him regret every single word gasped and moaned during… that, and the anticipation to all the mortification he knew was coming was mortifying on its own. But oh, whatever, he would probably die today anyway. What if he wanted to take his time? 

His few extra seconds were robbed, however, by Pinky’s excited energy. He couldn’t stay still for too long and he had started to shake his feet and wave his tail restlessly.

“Brain?” he whispered, “Are you asleep?”

“Yes, Pinky I'm in the middle of a REM cycle” Brain sighed, but he already knew the gist

“Oh, poit! Sorry, babe. I just have a quick question: Are these our new headquarters? Are we taking over the world, and helping Julia from this bathroom?” 

Brain sighed, back to reality, and pushed away from Pinky’s embrace begrudgingly.

“No Pinky, we won’t stay here forever, but I do believe we must remain here a little longer, if anything to…” he cleared his throat awkwardly, “clean ourselves out. And I also need some time to plan our escape. Perhaps she’ll accept a trade, and set you and Billie free in exchange for… my life.”

“But Brain, why would Julia wanna take your Life? She has her own. She also has Clue, Monopoly, Uno....” Brain held his muzzle to shut him up gently. 

“What I meant to say is that I’m probably as good as dead, Pinky.”

“Aww. I’d rather have you alive, Brain. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable living with a dead Brain. I couldn’t do what we just did, it would be disgusting and probably illegal.”

“You are already braindead, my dear.” He retorted, brushing Pinky's cheek, who nuzzled his hand, “And also, that is abhorrent.”

“That’s what I was thinking too!” Pinky gasped, sitting down, “Brain! I was finally pondering what you were pondering!” 

Pinky stood up with a jump, lifted him up, and twirled, laughing. He hadn't felt so happy in years! (Or months? Narf.)

“Well, it was about time.” Brain admitted, not laughing with him, but at least with a genuine smile. 

“You know what else I was pondering?” He carefully put him back on the floor. 

“Oh, spare me your empty thoughts.”

“If it wasn’t Mean Mr. Mustard in the control room with a nerf gun, then why are there ketchup marks I just cannot erase, no matter how much elbow grease I use?”

“I don’t think those are ketchup marks, Pinky.” Brain muttered somberly, and his face lit up “Although you may be onto something! Are you telling me there’s a control room here?” 

“There is, next to the armory, and you should have seen it before I came here! No missile had a doily! Can you believe the nerve of some people?” Pinky shook his head, displeased. 

“Why didn’t you tell me before?!”

“I didn’t peg you for someone who cares about doilies. Zort! I mean, I would have pegged you if I was a lady, but since I’m not, I think what we did would be called--”

“Not that, you idiot, the armory!” 

“Oh! Well I did mean to tell you about it, but first I was muzzled. And then I was mad at you. And _then...''_ He giggled "My mouth was kinda busy! Awww you’re blushing! Awwwww!! When I said you were blushing you blushed more!” Brain bonked his head, while Pinky narfed joyfully. Oh! He'd missed that the most! Narf!

“Hurry Pinky, take us to the control room!” Brain said, and Pinky held his hand (not his wrist, that’s a first), tiptoeing there. 

The room was a remarkable feat, he had to admit, a little too dark for his taste, and a little too covered in doilies, but he knew that was Pinky’s doing. Regardless, it would have to do.

Julia’s computer screen was still broken after her last attack, but when had that ever stopped a genius? Once he logged in (the password was, predictably, _DieBrain1234_ ), Brain connected Julia’s computer to the screen of his GPS, while Pinky sweeped the glass of the broken screen, put it in a corner and covered it with a doily. 

“What are you doing?” Pinky asked, “Trying to come up with the secret password to open Julia’s automatic door?”

“Pinky the password for those kinds of doors is always _Open._ ” 

“Really? Didn’t see that one coming. Narf.”

“No, my intellectually diminished partner, we’re not getting out yet. For I promised a certain… essential…. rather stupid but otherwise endearing mouse that I would try and help Julia, undo the damage I’ve done, and atone for all my wrongdoings, in order to feel… worthy of his affection. I was hoping to earn his forgiveness with my good deeds.”

“Naaaarf! Brain, that mouse sounds amazing! Who is he?” Brain grabbed his hand, tucking in all of his fingers but his index, and using Pinky’s index to point at his chest, “Gasp! Is it me?!”

“Did you just say _gasp_ out loud?” Brain asked, amused, “Yes, it is you. Now come, Pinky.”

“Oh, I did! Did _you_ come, or were you just breathing hard?” Pinky asked nonchalantly, sitting next to Brain, who needed a moment to cover his face and groan, his ears turning a bright shade of pink.

“For the sake of the mission and my own self control, I shall ignore that. Look, this is the chip implanted in Julia’s brain.” The screen displayed complex imagery of a brain inside a mouse’s skull. “It would require a complex surgery to remove. Too complex, perhaps, the wiring was created by a delicate net of nanobots that intertwine with her nervous system, which would make it almost impossible to remove without damaging the tissue surrounding it… We’d need to render her unconscious for at least five hours. Billie would have to assist me, she’s smart enough.” He muttered, staring at the screen.

“Egad, Brain, brilliant! But no, no. I don't think Julia will let you do that. She hates you so very much since you ruined her life and made her crazy with your own selfish and evil plans!”

“Yes, Pinky, and apparently you’ll never let me live that down.”

“Nope! Never ever. You were evil! Poit.” 

“Unbelievable! One commits to his part and no one is satisfied...” Brain sighed, “However you’re correct about one assumption, my love,” Pinky gushed over the pet name, covering his mouth when his giddiness was too much, “Julia is too unstable to fall unconscious. Perhaps, if we targeted the circuits… It would cause an enormous amount of pain over a brief period of time. But with the precise aim, it would damage the circuits and not her brain. With a few days of recovery, she’ll be good as new! Yes! Any questions?” 

“Just one: When am I gonna wear the purple kimono Lindsay Lohan wears?”

“About the plan.”

“Oh. Nope, no questions! Zort!” Brain rolled his eyes. 

“Let’s just hope whatever Billie is doing right now, distracts her enough for us to implement this plan. Now, Pinky, where’s the armory you talked about?” 

Pinky gave him a cocky smile, the kind that he would most definitely remember in the most inappropriate moments, and would make him go straight for a cold shower. 

“Open door!” Pinky said out loud with a wink, even worse. The wall next to them opened, revealing a secret passage. 

Before he could say something, preferably something witty that would have the same effect on Pinky as that smile had on him; Pinky had already swept him out of the room, heading to the dark passage.

…

Before Julia could say her first command to her new assistant, Billie squealed, lifted her like Pinky often did, and twirled, making Julia dizzy. It must have been her perfume.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go set them free! Oh, Pinky will be so proud of me! I just hope Brain learns to treat him better! He’s gotta, I’m doing everything for them! Oh, should we open the door right now, or knock first? I wouldn’t wanna interrupt anything, if you know what I mean” She winked. 

Julia didn’t know what she meant, but she grabbed the key to the bathroom before Billie could reach for it. 

“Julia? What are you doing?” Billie asked, staring at her with concern. Julia glanced around awkwardly.

“I was wondering… what if… we don’t set them free?” 

“Come again?” Was all that Billie could say.

“I know this doesn’t sound good, but--”

“You promised--” Billie protested, but before she could continue, Julia cupped her face and squished her cheeks like Pinky often did to her. It worked. 

“Hear me out. You said you needed a purpose. I could be that! Look what you did to me!” she pointed at herself, with makeup and a red leather jacket. “I’m not the Senator, but I’m not the monster either, I don’t know who I am, but I like it! And you made this! Ergo, I need you around. Pinky’s like my brother, he’ll agree to stay with us! As long as I let him turn my house into a fairytale nightmare, he’ll agree to anything!” She released Billie’s face but held her hands. Her smile, though sinister, was so happy it was contagious.

“Think about it, Billie. We’ll be a family, like Pinky wanted, You’ll have a purpose, like you wanted, and I’m not alone with the Senator anymore!” Julia insisted. Her eyes were like starlight, or like the sun reflecting on a sharp knife, and Billie fell for it. 

It sounded... good. Great, even. She would be able to leave the past behind, move to the mountains, asist this _gorgeous_ mouse, stay with Pinky, have a purpose, a family. She’d never have to be forgotten. Her family would remember her.

“Yes…” She whispered, feeling a warmth unlike anything she’d experience before. Julia gushed, hugged her again, and then imitated the first thing Brain did when he met her: Kneeling down on one knee and holding Billie’s hand.

“Billie, I know this is too quick, irrational, even. But I promised something and I will stand by my promise. Which is why, all I ask of you...” 

Billie’s eyes teared up immediately. This couldn’t be! Was life being kinder to her, after all these years? Was happiness achievable for her?

Instead of handing her a ring, Julia handed her the incredibly sharp scissors she used to cut her hair.

“...Is to murder Brain for me.” 

Her usually quick and snarky vocabulary was replaced with a single:

“Natch?”

“I promised I wouldn’t hurt him. And I’m a woman of my word. Which is why I ask you to kill him for me!”

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Billie complained. 

“Oh please, don’t say you’re on his side now! Billie, this is for the best! He’s a monster, and we’ll all be better without him! This was the plan all along; to lure him here and kill him! You, however, were a surprise, and a welcome one. Please, stay with me and finish him!” 

Billie gently pulled her hand away from Julia’s grasp and spoke with the calmest voice she had to offer: 

“Julia… Honey, listen: I know Brain is a huge jerk, villainous sometimes, and he deserves all the inconveniences you can hand him… but do you really believe he has to die?”

“Well, yes! Look what he did to me! I’m a monster! Therefore, Brain has to die!”

“If I killed him, Pinky would never forgive me.” Billie tried another route. 

“It will be our little secret. Pinky doesn’t need to know. Besides, We’re the good guys here! We’re killing the monster! I’m not the monster, I’m the monster hunter. Yeah, the monster hunter. The monster--” She twitched, and Billie noticed her claws growing. 

"I’m not trying to excuse his horrible actions, and believe me, a couple of weeks ago I’d say go for it. But, horribly flawed as he is, Brain is my friend, Pinky’s main source of happiness, and I won’t be complicit in his death. I can’t.” Billie backed up slowly, while Julia kept twitching.

“Are you with me or against me?”

“I just want you to understand--” 

The mouse in front of her grew roughly the size of a small cat, her claws shoving away the table over which they were seated, and those huge claws grabbed Billie, making her realize just how small a mouse like her really was.

"Do I have to kill you, then? I was starting to like you." Julia growled, but it wasn't her voice anymore. Billie could only scream.

…

The armory was… something. For starters, it was pink. The same shade of pink as Brain’s eyes, he noted, and it had tiny little hearts painted on the walls. Every weapon had a dainty doily on top, even the grenades. 

“Do you like it? It’s pink like your eyes” Pinky said, batting his lashes, and Brain had to admit it was flattering to have the most dangerous room painted that exact shade of pink. Had he known any better, he would have pegged this as an act of rebellion from Pinky, to paint the room in the color of Julia’s nemesis, but Pinky was not exactly the rebel kind. 

“It’s… lovely, Pinky” he said, though it wouldn’t be his choice of words. It wasn’t _awful_ , at least. Pinky’s eyes gleamed with the compliment.

“Naaarf! Oh Brain, you make me all squishy inside!” he giggled sheepishly, “I tried to make this my dreamhouse, but there was something missing! It was either a white picket fence, a fancy toaster, or you.”

“What joy, to be in the same category as the fancy toaster.” Brain quipped, examining each weapon with extreme precaution, to keep the alarms off and Pinky’s doilies in place. 

“Well, it also grills cheese.” Pinky reasoned, then held his hand, startling him, “But I’d always choose you over grilled cheese.” he kissed Brain’s hand, which made him blush from ears to tail. “Narf.” He said affectionately. 

Had Pinky’s presence always been so… intoxicating? He found it harder to ponder, now that his mind was blank (not _blank_ . _Blue_ .) and he had to do _something_ with that sudden urge to grab Pinky, shove him against the pink walls, and... 

It was, to be honest, something he had felt before while watching his cage mate from afar. But what was then dormant and quiet, a shy impulse he could repress easily, was now an urge.

Before tasting cheese for the first time, one does not ask for it every day.

He’d have to do something about that, what if he was more interested in those moments of intimacy than taking over the world? That would be utterly unacceptable! 

For the time being, he tried to sweep it under the rug like he had done before. Less effectively, perhaps, but…

He’d deal with that… later.

“Pinky, uhm… Be less of a nuisance...” _and don’t stand so close to me, your scent is making me lose my head,_ “And make sure Billie is entertaining Julia. Here:” 

He fiddled with the GPS before handing it to Pinky, who leaned over him and said “Ooooh! Poit!”, a little too close for comfort. His warm breath tickled Brain’s ear, making his own breath hitch, and he didn’t have time to unpack all of that, so he pushed Pinky away. 

“Awww this fancam is boring, Brain” Pinky sighed, shaking it as if that would make it do something.

“It's not a fancam, Pinky, I hacked onto Julia’s security system. Now, be useful and keep an eye on them, as far away from me as possible. This is a complex operation and I don’t need you to… distract me.” Brain muttered, crossing his legs as discreetly as possible. He thanked the distance, which cleared the blue fog clogging his intellect. Now that he could think, he set to work. 

“Hey, Julie! We’re helping you!” Pinky yelled at the screen, waving.

“They can’t see you. And I am hesitant about telling Julia the plan. Her mind is in a fragile state, she’ll never believe me. She’ll think I'm trying to kill her.” he said, deep in concentration with the weapon: a small laser gun he was recalibrating to burn the chip inside Julia’s brain, without damaging the surrounding tissue. 

“Well you _did_ put a mind control inside her against her will.” Pinky tutted, entranced by the screen.

“And so you keep reminding me,” he grumbled. “Now, what do you see?”

“Oh, there’s Billie!” Pinky waved, even though he knew she couldn’t see him. “Shut the front door, her coat is fan-tas-tic, who’s her designer?” He did a little hand wave.

“Dior for Barbie.” Brain cleared his throat, “Nevermind. What are they doing?”

“Talking. Oh wait. no, no, they're hugging. Awww, I can't look!” He covered his eyes bashfully and Brain ran to his side, grabbing the fallen GPS.

“What? Did Julia stab her back? What is it?” He tried to look at the screen, but Pinky snatched it back. 

“Awww Brain, they’re falling in love! Just like us! Narf!” Pinky gushed, waving his arms a little. Brain snatched the GPS back, and looked at the screen. 

“Pinky we’re not--” he interrupted himself. What was the use of lying, anyway?, “They’re not in love. They’re just giggling like schoolgirls.”

Pinky clicked his tongue.

“You are so dense sometimes, I swear.” He sighed, exasperated. 

“The pot calling the kettle black…” Brain sighed, and for a moment neither one talked, Pinky went back to the screen, wondering if they’d do the teapot dance. Then, Brain’s victory “YES” startled him.

“It is done! The laser has been calibrated with mathematical precision! Now, when we point the laser at her, we have to be careful to aim at her hippocampus, since I gather that’s the organ mostly affected by the chip, it will control her involuntary convulsions. One inch down, however, and we would compromise her amigdala, simulating the effects of a lobotomy, which would be against what I promised you. But fear not, my love. For I, the Brain, have perfect aim, and this plan, for philanthropic reasons, is sure to work. Yes! Understood?” He cleared his throat and Pinky stopped picking his nose, uninterested. 

“Uhm… yeah, something about hitting her hippopotamus instead of Princess Amidala, because we’re with the Force.” Pinky said. Brain rolled his eyes, wondering why did he bother explaining basic biology to his dimwitted partner. 

“Precisely, Pinky.” he said sarcastically, “What are they doing right now?”

“They’re… Oh! Oh my God!” Pinky covered his mouth, his eyes watering, “Julia is proposing to Billie! I’m gonna cry, this is so romantic! Do I wanna be the maid of honor or the best man? Can I be both? I’ll dress half and half like Julie Andrews!” He fanned his face, looking up to keep the tears from falling down. Brain was about to bop him, when they heard Billie’s blood curdling scream.

“Does that sound like delight to you?” Brain whispered worriedly.

“Maybe Billie is afraid of commitment.” Pinky shrugged.

"I have my doubts.” Brain muttered, jumping over Pinky’s back, “Run, Pinky! Before it's too late!"

There was no time to lose. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of references here, one to the Beatles song Mean Mr. Mustard, another one to the musical Victor Victoria, where I think (I'm not sure) the main character dresses half and half, the most surprising being that Rob Paulsen, in Pinky's voice, indeed said "He's breathing hard, but he's not coming." (regarding Maurice LaMarche, aka the Brain) in a con, so yeah use that knowledge however you want.
> 
> See you soon for the finale!


End file.
